WEST WING TRANSCRIPT: Season One - Mr. Willis Of Ohio (S1E6)

THE WEST WING
1x6 - “MR. WILLIS OF OHIO”
WRITTEN BY AARON SORKIN
DIRECTED BY CHRISTOPHER MISIANO

Edited and formatted by Walking, Talking and Yelling At Clouds (kegofglory.blogspot.com)

Link To My Blog Post For This Episode


TEASER

MR. WILLIS OF OHIO

FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT

BARTLET, CJ, LEO, JOSH, SAM, TOBY, and MANDY gathered around a table, playing poker. TOBY is smoking a cigar. CJ is dealing the cards.

CJ
Nine, no help. Jack, no help. Eight, possible flush. King, possible flush. Ace, no help. Six, possible straight. Dave of love for the dealer. Ace bets.

MANDY
Check.

SAM
Check.

CJ
Check.

LEO
Check.

JOSH
Check.

TOBY
[pause] Check.

There's a long silence.

CJ
Mr. President?

BARTLET
There is one fruit -

Everyone groans.

TOBY
Oh, please...

BARTLET
There is one fruit -

TOBY
Mr. President, check or bet, sir. Those are your choices.

BARTLET
There is one fruit -

JOSH
Or you should feel free to give us a quiz on inane trivia.

BARTLET
There is one fruit whose seeds are on the outside. Name it, please.

CJ
Is it the kumquat?

BARTLET
No.

Everyone laughs.

TOBY
Check or bet, sir?

BARTLET
I bet five.

MANDY
Call.

SAM
See it.

CJ
Fold.

LEO
See it.

JOSH
Call.

TOBY
I see it. And I raise you five.

EVERYONE
Oooh...

LEO
Trouble…

BARTLET sits quietly.

CJ
Mr. President?

BARTLET
It's the strawberry.

EVERYONE
Ah.

MANDY
Oh right.

TOBY
Well, thank you, sir. I just raised your bet.

BARTLET
Yes, you did, Toby, and I thought it was a bold move when you consider that Leo's holding the six you're looking for.

TOBY
Do you call the raise, sir?

BARTLET
It depends.

JOSH
Depends on what?

BARTLET
There are 14 punctuation marks in standard English grammar. Can anyone name them, please?

CJ
Period.

JOSH
Comma.

MANDY
Colon.

SAM
Semi-colon.

JOSH
Dash.

SAM
Hyphen.

LEO
Ah, apostrophe.

BARTLET
That's only seven. There’s seven more.

TOBY
Question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parentheses, braces and ellipsis.

CJ
Ooh.

LEO
Oh -

JOSH
Wow!

TOBY
Do you call the raise, sir?

BARTLET
There are three words in the English language, and three words only, that begin with the letters DW.

JOSH
This is a pretty good illustration of why we get nothing done.

All laugh.

BARTLET
Can anyone name them for me, please?

SAM
Three words that begin with the letters DW?

BARTLET
Yes.

SAM
Dwindle.

BARTLET
Yes.

TOBY
Dwarf.

BARTLET
Yes.

Everyone mumbles, repeating ‘dwindle’ and ‘dwarf’ as they try to think of another.

TOBY
[to SAM] C'mon, Princeton. We got dwindle, we got dwarf.

BARTLET
Uh, I see your five and raise you five. by the way.

TOBY
Dwarf... dwindle...

LEO
Fold.

JOSH
Fold.

CJ (dealing a card to TOBY and BARTLET)
Last card down.

BARTLET
'Witches brew a magic spell, an enchanted forest where -'

TOBY
Fairies dwell – Dwell, dwell! Dwindle, dwarf and dwell!

BARTLET
Well, the answer's correct but let's check with our judges and -- oh no, I'm sorry, time expired.

TOBY
What? What time?

BARTLET
My time.

JOSH
You have your own time?

Everyone laughs.

TOBY
I call.

BARTLET (showing his hand)
Trip nines.

EVERYONE
Ooh...

TOBY
Take your money, sir. You'd dwell to report that to the IRS, ‘cause god knows I will.

More laughter.

LEO
Hey, I'm done. I'm gonna head home.

BARTLET
Kiss Jenny for me.

LEO
Yeah, I will.

The staff begins to leave.

JOSH
Sam, I'm going back to the office, they got the Commerce report ready for me. What are you doing?

SAM
I was gonna go home.

JOSH
Sam … I'm going back to the office, they got the Commerce report ready for me. What are you doing?

SAM (as the others laugh)
I'm going to go back to your office with you and make sure you understand the Commerce report.

JOSH
Thank you.

SAM
When I get through with you you're gonna know everything there is to know about standard data versus sampling data in the census.

BARTLET and LEO walk into THE OVAL OFFICE. CHARLIE is seated on the couch.

BARTLET
Charlie, I'm headed over to the residence, you're done for the night.

CHARLIE
Thank you, sir. I'm gonna stay a bit to do some paperwork.

BARTLET
Don't stay up too late, son.

CJ
[to MANDY as they walk in] How'd you do?

MANDY
Eighty-four bucks.

CJ
Most of that's mine.

We hear a commotion outside the office, doors opening and footsteps.

MANDY
What's that?

Suddenly several Secret Service Agents burst into THE OVAL OFFICE.

AGENT DONNIE
Excuse me, Mr. President. I'm sorry, the building's not secure. Would everyone stay in the room, please?

SAM and JOSH are escorted in by another agent.

JOSH
This is happening way too often.

LEO
It's pledge week at the fraternities. The kids hop the fence.

AGENT DONNIE
Would you mind stepping away from the doors and windows, please?

JOSH
This whole room is doors and windows.

LEO
Josh.

JOSH
I'm cooperating, I'm cooperating.

AGENT DONNIE
This will be under control in just a minute, Mr. President.

BARTLET
All right.

There is a long pause as everyone looks around uneasily.

BARTLET
What body of water in South America is formed by the confluence of -?

TOBY
Excuse me, Wink Martindale? (chuckling) Do you really think this is the time?

BARTLET
Not quite up on your South American maritime geography, there, my friend?

AGENT DONNIE
We're clear.

BARTLET
Saved by the bell.

MANDY (as everyone starts out of the Oval Office)
This is the kind of thing that didn't used to happen at my old job.

SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES.
END TEASER
* * *

ACT ONE

FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE – DAY

TOBY walks in. Staffers are working in the office. CATHY is standing, dealing with some files.

TOBY
Cathy, I need a copy of Article 1, Section 2.

CATHY
Article 1, Section 2 of what?

TOBY
The Constitution.

CATHY
Is that something I'm supposed to have at my desk?

TOBY (beat)
Does anybody have a copy of the Constitution? [Several staffers, including GINGER and BONNIE, look at him blankly] This is discouraging.

CATHY
Bonnie, would you get Toby a copy of the Constitution?

BONNIE
Is it still in print?

TOBY
Oh, for crying out loud! Try Amazon dot com. If they don't have it then just bust into the glass display case at the National Archives!

CJ
[comes up from behind] You shouldn't yell.

TOBY
Is it still in print, is what my staff would like to know.

CJ
I'm here to see Sam.

TOBY
Go ahead.

CJ
It's not a big deal, I'm just, you know, here to see him about something.

TOBY
What do I care?

CJ
Absolutely no reason that you should.

TOBY
Okay.

TOBY walks into his office as CJ walks into SAM'S OFFICE. SAM is busy talking on the phone.

SAM
[into phone] Well - and the President's committed to vetoing any Commerce bill that prohibits sampling data as a legitimate component of the 2000 Census, and I'm not saber rattling, Jill, I'm just giving you a preview of what you're gonna get later with Toby. Yeah. I'll see you then. [hangs up, to CJ] Hey.

CJ
Hey. That was all - great, what you just said there.

SAM
What'd I just say?

CJ
Not so much what you said, but, the way you said it.

SAM
This census has to be taken seriously.

CJ
Tell me about it.

SAM
You know, it's not glamorous, but - you know.

CJ
Sure.

SAM
You need something?

CJ
Did you get a haircut?

SAM
No.

CJ
You look good today.

SAM
Thank you. You too.

CJ
New suit?

SAM
No.

CJ
You look good.

SAM
Whatcha need, CJ?

The two start walking from the office to the HALLWAY.

CJ
A tutor.

SAM
A tutor?

CJ
Yes.

SAM
What for?

CJ
Sam, I read my briefing book last night on the Commerce bill regarding the census and there’s certain parts of it that I don't quite understand.

SAM
I can help you out. Which parts?

CJ
Well, all of it.

SAM
All of it?

CJ
Yes.

SAM
You don't understand the census?

CJ
I don't understand certain nuances.

SAM
Like what?

CJ
Like, the census.

SAM
CJ, we've been working on this Commerce bill for three weeks, I hear you talk about the census all the time.

CJ
Yeah. Yeah.

SAM
W-, well, I, I don't understand. How can you -?

CJ
I've been faking it.

SAM
You've been faking it?

CJ
I've been playing it fast and loose there's no doubt about it, but sitting in on some of the meetings we've been having, and reading the briefing book last night, I have to say that the census is starting to sound to me like it's, well, im-, important.

SAM
Uh-huh.

CJ
And, I've come to the realization that if I'm gonna be talking about it all week, it's probably best that I understand what I'm saying. (chuckles)

SAM
When?

CJ
When what?

SAM
When did you come to this realization?

CJ
About an hour ago.

SAM
Okay. Let's - I tell you what, let's forget about the fact that you're coming a little late to the party and embrace the idea that you showed up at all.

CJ
That's what I say.

SAM
Let's start at lunch.

CJ
Thank you.

SAM
You've been faking it?

CJ
Yes.

SAM
The President?

CJ
I know. I probably shouldn't do that.

SAM
You think?

CJ
I'll see you at lunch.

CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA – DAY

JOSH is moving through the bullpen dropping off files. DONNA comes up from behind him.

DONNA
Hi.

JOSH
Hi. [starts walking, DONNA following]

DONNA
Can I ask you a question?

JOSH
About what?

DONNA
The budget surplus.

JOSH
Go ahead.

DONNA
There's a $30 billion budget surplus.

JOSH
It'll actually shake out to about 32 billion.

DONNA
Whatever.

JOSH
Well, you know what they say?

DONNA
What do they say?

JOSH
A billion dollars here, a billion dollars there, sooner or later it starts to add up to real money.

DONNA
That's a nifty saying, Josh.

JOSH
I didn't coin it or anything.

DONNA
We have a $32 billion surplus for the first time in three decades.

JOSH
Yes.

DONNA
Republicans in Congress want to use this money for tax relief, right?

JOSH
Yes.

DONNA
Essentially what they're saying is, they wanna give back the money.

JOSH
Yes.

DONNA
Why don't we wanna give back the money?

JOSH
'Cause we're Democrats.

DONNA
But it's not the government's money!

JOSH
Sure it is. It's right there in our bank account.

DONNA
That's only because we collected more money than we ended up needing.

JOSH
Isn't it great?

DONNA
I want my money back.

JOSH
Sorry.

DONNA
We're not done with this.

JOSH
I didn't think so.

JOSH and DONNA enter LEO'S OFFICE. TOBY, CATHY, MANDY, SAM and LEO are gathered there. They are reading the appropriations bill.

LEO
Twelve million dollars to establish an Appalachian transportation institute. One point five million to study parking facilities at commercial truck stops. Three million dollars to produce a documentary on highway infrastructure. These are just some of today's additions to the appropriations bill. And that's just in the area of transportation.

MANDY
Two million dollars for a volcano monitor in Alaska to warn passing airplanes about ash?

LEO
By the way, the FAA doesn't know what that is.

TOBY
$550,000 for New York State to restore the home of Susan B. Anthony.

JOSH
While we're at it, the tile in my shower could use re-grouting.

MANDY
Could somebody please remind me what's in this for us?

TOBY
Power zones, US rail, and federal funding for 100,000 new public school teachers.

MANDY
Thank you.

LEO
How's this working?

MANDY
We have a meeting with Gladman and Skinner, and they represent two of the three swing votes on the Commerce Committee.

LEO
Swing votes in terms of the census?

MANDY
Yes. And if they agree to drop the sampling prohibition, the appropriations bill could pass without a problem.

LEO
Who's the third?

MANDY
The third?

LEO
You said three swing votes - Gladman, Skinner...

TOBY
Janice Willis' husband.

LEO
Right.

TOBY
Presumably he's gonna do what he's told.

MANDY
We're fine.

LEO
You sure?

TOBY
Tomorrow's the start of a three-day weekend and 435 Congressmen want to make their flights home in the morning.

LEO
You think that'll do it?

TOBY
Oh, I know that'll do it.

LEO
What time's the meeting?

TOBY
11:00.

LEO
Just don't do anything to screw up or in any way embarrass me, okay?

JOSH
Leo ... Knute Rockne. Sometimes I get ‘em mixed up.

LEO
Go.

CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE – DAY

BARTLET and the head of the Secret Service Presidential detail, RON BUTTERFIELD, are seated on the couch. Blueprints are spread out on the table in front of them.

BUTTERFIELD
If they hop the fence, they're going to jail. What they do once we get to ‘em is what's gonna determine for how long.

BARTLET
What tripped the alarm?

BUTTERFIELD
Well, there are alarms in the ground, [pointing to the blueprint] here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. She tripped it here.

BARTLET
She?

BUTTERFIELD
Yes, sir.

BARTLET
It wasn't a fraternity stunt?

BUTTERFIELD
No, sir. It was a mentally unbalanced woman in her forties.

BARTLET
Well, you know, just trying to kill me isn't necessarily evidence of being mentally unbalanced.

BUTTERFIELD
Sir, it, it appears from her statement - you weren't the target.

BARTLET
I wasn't?

BUTTERFIELD
No, sir.

BARTLET
Who was?

BUTTERFIELD
Your daughter.

BARTLET
Zoey?

BUTTERFIELD
Yes, sir.

BARTLET (as LEO enters)
Leo.

LEO
Good morning, Mr. President.

BARTLET
You know Ron Butterfield?

LEO
Sure.

BARTLET
He says it was a woman!

LEO
We spoke last night.

BUTTERFIELD
We're still reviewing the frame-by-frame, Leo.

LEO
I'll get a report first thing?

BUTTERFIELD
Yes, sir. Mr. President, if I could excuse myself to the outer office I could make a call and see -

BARTLET
Of course, help yourself.

BUTTERFIELD (leaving)
Thank you, sir.

BARTLET
[to LEO] This woman was after Zoey?

LEO
There were eight security checks between where the woman was and Zoey's bedroom.

BARTLET (beat)
There's no need for Zoey to know about this, right?

LEO
No.

BARTLET
What do you need?

LEO
This may be the wrong time, Mr. President, but I wanted to speak to you about… As the game was breaking up last night, you mentioned I should say hello to Jenny.

BUTTERFIELD walks back into the room.

BARTLET
Hang on a second. What've you got, Ron?

BUTTERFIELD
You'll be happy to know our security system worked exactly the way our security system's supposed to work.

BARTLET
Well, I guess that's something.

BUTTERFIELD
Yes, sir.

LEO
You'll send the full report?

BUTTERFIELD
About two hours.

BARTLET
[to LEO] You were saying?

LEO
It can wait.

BARTLET
You sure?

LEO
Yeah. Good seeing you, Ron.

BUTTERFIELD
Take care.

LEO
I'll see you in an hour, sir.

BARTLET
[to LEO] All right, thanks. [to BUTTERFIELD, as LEO exits] I guess we're done, too.

BUTTERFIELD
I wouldn't lose a lot of sleep over it, sir.

BARTLET
No, no.

BUTTERFIELD
Good seeing you, Mr. President.

BARTLET
You, too. [stopping him as he turns to leave] Ron?

BUTTERFIELD
Yes, sir?

BARTLET
Did she have a gun?

BUTTERFIELD
Yes, sir.

BARTLET
Okay. Thank you.

BUTTERFIELD leaves.

FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE.
* * *

ACT TWO

FADE IN: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM – DAY

MANDY and JOSH are pouring coffee from carafes. A basket of bagels is on the table. Congressmen GLADMAN, SKINNER and JOE WILLIS walk in.

GLADMAN
Josh, good to see you.

JOSH
Congressman.

SKINNER
Morning.

JOSH
Morning.

GLADMAN
Mandy, if I'd known you were going to be here I would have brought my sword and shield.

MANDY
Champagne and flowers would've done the trick.

GLADMAN
Have you met Joe Willis?

JOSH
No, we haven't.

WILLIS (shaking hands with JOSH)
My wife was Janice Willis.

JOSH
I know.

WILLIS
She passed away last month, so - I've taken over her seat in Congress.

MANDY
Yes, sir, we know. We're so sorry for your loss.

WILLIS
The White House sent flowers and, the President wrote a very beautiful note. I wonder if you could pass along my thanks.

JOSH
We sure will, Congressman.

WILLIS
Ah, please, no, I'm not a Congressman. I teach 8th grade social studies. And this is only temporary until -

TOBY enters with CATHY and two other staffers, CHRISTOPHER and ANTHONY. They roll in a cart with several copies of the very large appropriations bill.

TOBY
Morning. Everyone got fruit, everyone got bagels. Good, good. (to the staffers) Christopher, Anthony, would you mind putting my copy of the appropriations bill on the table, please. Thank you, Christopher - thank you, Anthony – (CHRISTOPHER and ANTHONY take away the cart as CATHY sits in the back) and thank you, Cathy. Gentlemen, why don't we take our seats? Congressman Skinner, welcome. Congressman Gladman, always good to have you here, sir. Congressman Willis, I was a great fan of your late wife.

WILLIS
Thank you.

TOBY (referring to the thick binders of the bill)
This represents the latest draft of the House appropriations bill. It is 7000 pages long, and weighs over 55 pounds. It includes $1.2 million for a lettuce geneticist in Salinas, California, and $1.7 million for manure handling in Starkville, Mississippi.

GLADMAN
Toby, you know that's what happens.

TOBY
Eight states will divide $5 million to research the uses of wood.

SKINNER (chuckling)
Yeah, we, uh, we, we saw that one.

TOBY
I'm thinking of some uses for it right now.

GLADMAN
I thought we were here to talk about the census?

JOSH
We are, the White House just wanted to take this opportunity to point out that you are criminals and despots.

GLADMAN
Thank you.

JOSH
No problem.

GLADMAN
But that's not going to stop the President from signing the bill into law?

JOSH
No, sadly, it won't. What will stop the President from signing the bill is the amendment your committee is offering on the census.

MANDY
The three of you represent the swing vote on the Commerce Committee. You drop the census amendment and the appropriations bill goes through without a hitch. Insist on the law prohibiting sampling and you can count on a long floor fight followed by an almost certain veto.

TOBY
I would like to emphasize the long floor fight of it all, and remind you that I have absolutely no conscience when it comes to exploiting the fact that you have non- refundable airline tickets for the weekend. With that in mind -

WILLIS
Ah, excuse me.

TOBY
Yes, sir?

WILLIS
I'm not leaving town.

TOBY
I'm sorry?

WILLIS
I'm not leaving town this weekend. I was gonna stay and see some of Janice's friends. So, there's no need to rush on my account. You can take as much time as you like.

TOBY
[long pause] Good - then. (clears throat) Let's talk.

GLADMAN rolls his eyes in dismay.

CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY – DAY

CJ and SAM are walking towards her office.

CJ
And you're gonna go slowly, right?

SAM
Yes.

CJ
Pretend for the purposes of this conversation that I'm dumb.

SAM
Let me try and conjure an image of you as a stupid person -

CJ
You're crackin’ wise. I'm coming to you exposed and vulnerable -?

SAM
This is your office. I'm comin’ to you.

CJ
I meant symbolically.

SAM
Ah.

They enter CJ'S OFFICE and both sit.

CJ
I'm a person saying there's something I do not know, will you teach me. It's hard to admit you don't know something. That makes me - submissive.

SAM
What is it exactly you're asking me to do?

CJ
I'm admitting to you that - there are things I do not know.

SAM
And I'm telling you that I don't think anybody would have any trouble imagining that there are things you do not know.

CJ
Explain it to me.

SAM
The Constitution mandates that every ten years we count everybody.

CJ
Why?

SAM
Because representation at the various levels of the government, federal, state, and municipal, is based on population. The only way to find out how many Congressmen California gets is to count the people in California. Got it?

CJ
Can I just say that if the briefing book had been written that clearly, I would have easily understood?

SAM
We're not through yet.

CJ
Okay.

SAM
The decennial census has always been done by a door-to-door head count. Some 950,000 professionals are hired. The process costs approximately $6.9 billion. The process is also very inaccurate. It tends to be significantly disadvantageous to inner city populations, recent immigrant populations, and, of course, the homeless.

CJ
You are a very good teacher, Sam. I want you to know that in this -

SAM
Your time of vulnerability?

CJ
Yes. I appreciate it.

SAM
We're not done yet.

CJ
Okay.

CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE – DAY

LEO walks in to find MALLORY there.

LEO
Oh! Hey, baby!

MALLORY
Hi, Daddy. [embraces him]

LEO
Oh - can you stay long?

MALLORY
No. I just wanted to bring you some stuff from home.

LEO
Ah, you didn't have to do that.

MALLORY
I wanted you to have some stuff that you like.

LEO
I'm really fine, Mal.

MALLORY
You're okay at the hotel?

LEO
I wanted Mom to have the house.

MALLORY
But you're gonna look for a place, right? I can help you out on the weekends.

LEO
Mallory, this thing with your mother and me, it'll blow over.

MALLORY
No, it won't, Dad. You understand that, right?

CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM – DAY

TOBY, JOSH, MANDY, and the three Congressmen are still discussing the census.

MANDY (as DONNA enters and whispers something to JOSH)
This is not amortized over the life of the budget, this is a one-time experiment.

GLADMAN
This is a purely partisan issue, Mandy. The Democrats want to win back the House!

MANDY
I'm not gonna deny that there's something for us to gain.

JOSH stands and exits the room with DONNA.

SKINNER
No, no, no. It, it's like you lost the battle but now you wanna -

SKINNER's voice fades out as we follow DONNA and JOSH into the HALLWAY.

JOSH
Did he say what it was about?

DONNA
No. What's wrong with me getting my money back?

JOSH
You won't spend it right.

DONNA
What do you mean?

JOSH
Let's say your cut of the surplus is $700. I want to take your money, combine it with everybody else's money, and use it to pay down the debt and further endow Social Security. What do you want to do with it?

DONNA
Buy a DVD player.

JOSH
See?

DONNA
But my $700 is helping employ the people who manufacture and sell DVD players, not to mention the people who manufacture and sell DVDs. It's the natural evolution of a market economy.

JOSH
The problem is, the DVD player you buy might be made in Japan.

DONNA
I'll buy an American one.

JOSH
We don't trust you.

DONNA
Why not?

JOSH
We're Democrats.

DONNA
Ugh - I want my money back!

JOSH
You shouldn't have voted for us.

DONNA walks away, and JOSH walks inside the OUTER OVAL OFFICE. He sees CHARLIE and MRS. LANDINGHAM.

JOSH
Hey, Charlie.

CHARLIE
What's up, Josh?

JOSH
Mrs. Landingham, I got a message he needed to see me?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Yeah, go on in.

Josh walks into THE OVAL OFFICE. Several people are in the room. BARTLET is on the phone.

BARTLET
[into phone] Yes. (beat) Yes.(beat, as BARTLET signals JOSH to enter) Yes, of course. [pause; finally, to JOSH] I'm on a conference call with the Postmaster General.

JOSH
What's it about?

BARTLET
I honestly couldn't tell you.

JOSH
Ah.

BARTLET
Look, I want you to do me a favor.

JOSH
Of course.

BARTLET
Take Charlie out for a beer tonight.

JOSH
Take him out for a beer?

BARTLET
Yeah. The kid has no life. You're the only guy around here he knows at all. Take him out for a couple of beers, you guys come back, we'll all watch the vote in Leo's office.

JOSH
Sure.

BARTLET
Good, thanks. Let me give you some cash.

JOSH
No sir, I, I don't need -

BARTLET
[puts hand in pocket] Don't be silly.

JOSH
I have money, Mr. President. I'm fine.

BARTLET
You sure?

JOSH
Yes, sir.

BARTLET
Truth be known, I don't have any cash on me.

JOSH
It's fine.

BARTLET
I don't carry any cash anymore. I don't carry keys, either.

JOSH
Well, I wouldn't think you'd need them, sir.

BARTLET
How's it going in there?

JOSH
We'll see.

BARTLET
I appreciate it.

JOSH
Yes, sir.

BARTLET (into phone, as JOSH exits)
Yes?

JOSH
[walks back out to the OUTER OVAL OFFICE and turns to CHARLIE] Charlie?

CHARLIE
Yes?

JOSH
You got plans tonight?

CHARLIE
No.

JOSH
You don't have to sit with your sister?

CHARLIE
She's having a sleepover at a girlfriend's. What do you want me to do?

JOSH
Have a beer with me.

CHARLIE
What do you mean?

JOSH
Tonight. We'll go to a bar in Georgetown. We'll, speak as men do.

CHARLIE
We will?

JOSH
Yeah.

CHARLIE
Um... What kind of bar is this, Josh?

JOSH
No - it's fine.

CHARLIE
Okay.

JOSH
Great.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Josh, aren't you a little old to be leering at college coeds?

JOSH
I'm a Fulbright Scholar, Mrs. Landingham. I don't leer. Also, there'll be plenty of grad students there.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Oh well, good, then.

JOSH (to CHARLIE, as he walks out)
So I'll come get you.

CHARLIE
Okay.

JOSH
Great.

JOSH walks out into the HALLWAY. MALLORY and ZOEY come up from behind.

ZOEY
Josh!

JOSH
Hey.

MALLORY
Hey.

ZOEY
Take us with you.

JOSH
Where?

MALLORY
Out tonight.

ZOEY
Your plans with Charlie.

JOSH
How do you know I'm going out with Charlie?

ZOEY
My Dad just told us.

MALLORY
He said you should take us with you.

JOSH
The man is like a camp counselor.

MALLORY
Take us with you, Josh. Take us with you.

JOSH
Nope.

ZOEY
Why?

JOSH
These are plans among men.

MALLORY
We don't care if you flirt with the coeds.

JOSH
Okay, there's gonna be grad students there, can we keep that in mind?

ZOEY
Sounded, uh, kinda like an order, Josh.

JOSH
Fine.

MALLORY
Bring Sam Seaborn.

JOSH
Sam's got enough going on in his life right now without you making a booty call.

MALLORY
I am not making a booty call. We had an interesting conversation that got interrupted, and I'd like to finish it with him.

JOSH
Whatever.

ZOEY
This is gonna be fun.

MALLORY and ZOEY walk away, leaving JOSH at his office door.

JOSH
The President's daughter, the Chief of Staff's daughter, a Georgetown bar and Sam. What could possibly go wrong? [walks in]

FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *

ACT THREE

FADE IN: INT. BRIEFING ROOM - DAY

CJ and SAM are alone in the press briefing room.

CJ
What's the problem with a straight head count?

SAM
Head counts have proven staggeringly inaccurate.

CJ
Why?

SAM
How're you gonna count the homeless? There's a large and growing population of people who don't speak English. And there are plenty of people, particularly in the inner city, don't wanna answer questions when you knock on their door. Plus it's always been hard. Sampling, statisticians have told us, is a much more effective way of getting a good census.

CJ
And what's the legal argument?

SAM
The legal argument is it's unconstitutional. The legal argument is it's, it’s law.

CJ
But if sampling's really against the law, why would Congress be trying to pass legislation saying sampling's against the law?

SAM (chuckling)
You see how good it feels to understand what you're talking about?

CJ
And you see I'm able to do it without being patronizing?

SAM
What happened to 'You look good today’?

CJ (smiling)
I got over it.

JOSH
[comes in] Sam?

SAM
Yeah.

JOSH
I'm taking Charlie for a beer tonight before the vote. Zoey and Mallory are coming.

SAM
Sounds good.

CJ
I like beer.

JOSH
Uh, if you wanna come, I guess that'd be okay.

CJ
Why, Josh, you've, you’ve swept me off my feet.

JOSH
Whatever. I, I'll see you later. [leaves]

CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM – DAY

TOBY, MANDY, GLADMAN, SKINNER and WILLIS are still discussing the amendment.

MANDY
In the last census, 8 million people, mostly Black, weren't counted. And in the same census, 4 million people, mostly white, were counted twice.

TOBY
Sampling will give a count that bears a much greater relationship to reality and will do it to the tune of four billion dollars less than a door-to-door head count.

MANDY
Sampling will cost 2.7 billion. And an inaccurate head count will cost 6.9.

TOBY
Every single expert, including the Census Bureau itself, which is a bipartisan commission, has said - sampling is better.

GLADMAN
We've heard these arguments many times, but in this country we have a Constitution.

TOBY
We are aware of that.

SKINNER
The Constitution's very clear on this.

TOBY
I don't think it is.

SKINNER
Until a court rules that sampling is Constitutional -

TOBY
The article is arcane.

SKINNER
Oh, come on, Toby. The article is not arcane!

TOBY
Let's take a look at it.

SKINNER
No. No. We, we don't have time to -

TOBY
Let's take a look at it!

GLADMAN
Toby! None of us is a Constitutional scholar. And we honestly don't -

MANDY
It's not gonna take long.

TOBY
My staff managed to unearth a copy.

SKINNER
Toby, come on, we've been here for six -

TOBY
Mandy, would you read please from Article 1, Section 2?

GLADMAN
This is silly!

TOBY
Still and all, it is the owner's manual and we should read what it has to say!

MANDY
[reading] 'Representatives and direct taxes shall be apportioned among the several states, which may be included within this union according to their respective numbers, which shall be determined by adding the whole number of persons including those bound to service for a term of years.'

SKINNER
Well, you said it right there. It says ‘which shall be determined by the whole number of persons.’ The whole number of persons. Not, not, not the end of an equation that some statistician got off of a computer. It says so right there!

TOBY
Actually that's not what it says.

SKINNER
Wha- wh, what do you mean?

TOBY
Mandy left out a few words. Didn't she, Mr. Willis?

WILLIS
Yes.

TOBY
Mr. Willis teaches 8th grade social studies, and Mr. Willis knows very well what the Article says. It says ‘which shall be determined by adding the whole number of free persons - and three fifths of all other persons.’ Three fifths of all other persons, they meant you, Mr. Willis, didn't they?

WILLIS
Yes.

TOBY
Mr. Willis, you are asking to enact a law, which will limit the ability of those people who need to be counted the most, to be counted as people at all. And their only refuge is the argument that Article 1, Section 2 is not arcane.

There is a pause.

GLADMAN
Well, I think we're through here. I can report back to the Chairman of my committee, (preparing to leave) but I really don't think that either he or the leadership is going to allow any one of us to change our vote.

TOBY
Congressman, you are talking about tying up an appropriations bill -!

SKINNER
We don't need you to tell us what we're talking about, Toby. And waiting til the 11th hour to call this -

MANDY
Excuse me! What, what is this, the fourth time we've arranged this meeting? And by the way it's not -

WILLIS
I will.

TOBY (beat, as everyone looks at WILLIS)
What, sir?

WILLIS
I think we should drop it.

GLADMAN (moving to WILLIS)
Joe?

WILLIS
That's my choice, right?

SKINNER
Joe, Joe, the chairman of our committee recommends that we -

WILLIS
No. I saw what he recommended, and I appreciate his help. But it's still my choice, right?

TOBY
Absolutely, sir. It is your choice.

WILLIS
Well, then I change my mind. I think we should drop the census amendment and let the appropriation bill go through as is.

GLADMAN
Joe -

WILLIS
Until a court rules on whether sampling is constitutional.

MANDY
Well... then... excellent.

SKINNER
Well, looks like you snuck one in the back door, eh, Toby?

TOBY
It got through whatever door was open to me.

GLADMAN
Well, we're gonna have to revisit this.

MANDY
Yes.

GLADMAN
Mr. Willis, do you need any help to find your way out?

WILLIS
No, thank you. I think I can manage.

TOBY
Thank you, gentlemen, have a good weekend.

GLADMAN and SKINNER leave.

MANDY
[to WILLIS] Thank you.

TOBY
[to MANDY] Go tell Leo.

MANDY leaves. WILLIS goes about cleaning up his area of the table.

TOBY
Mr. Willis?

WILLIS
You can call me Joe.

TOBY
If you don't mind me asking, sir, what changed your mind?

WILLIS
What do you mean?

TOBY
Well, I know it wasn't expediency, sir. I was wondering what changed your mind?

WILLIS
You did. I thought you made a very strong argument.

TOBY
Well, thank you, uh - [laughs] I'm smiling because, well, around here the merits of a particular argument generally take a back seat to political tactics.

WILLIS
I would imagine.

TOBY
Yeah.

WILLIS
It worked on me.

TOBY
I was taking advantage of you, sir.

WILLIS
I know.

TOBY
There are some things I did not mention. First of all, it is partisan. Second of all, I'm not wild about the precedent.

WILLIS
You mean -?

TOBY
What's to stop us from saying we don't need elections, we'll just use polling data. 1150 people with a sampling error of plus or minus three will decide who runs the country.

WILLIS
I thought about that.

TOBY
And?

WILLIS
It's okay by me. As long as it's not the same people who decide what's on television. (TOBY and WILLIS laugh heartily, as WILLIS begins to leave) Toby - I'm not nearly as smart as my wife was. I went to night school, because I went to work pretty young. And I tried to understand the things Janice brought home from the office, but -  I wasn't in her league. I never understood what she wanted with a dummy like me. [pause] I think the problems that we're going to face in the new century are far beyond the wisdom of Solomon, let alone me. But I think the right place to start is to say - fair is fair. This is who we are. These are our numbers.

TOBY
I'm sorry I never got to know your wife, sir.

WILLIS
She would have liked you.

TOBY
Thank you. Thank you.

WILLIS
I've got a roll call.

TOBY
Nothing to it. They call your name, you vote yea.

WILLIS
Well, this is my first, and likely my only, vote in the House of Representatives.

TOBY
Well, good luck, Congressman.

WILLIS (shaking hands)
Thank you.

WILLIS walks away. TOBY watches him thoughtfully.

CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE – NIGHT

BARTLET is getting ready to leave for the residence. MRS. LANDINGHAM and NANCY are helping him.

MRS. LANDINGHAM (bringing BARTLET a folder)
You wanted to read these with dinner.

BARTLET
Thanks.

NANCY
Would you like the Tokyo Exchange sent to your bedroom?

BARTLET
Yeah, sure. (NANCY exits)

MRS. LANDINGHAM
And the call from the Secretary?

BARTLET
Yes?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Would you like it during the dining room?

BARTLET
I'll take the call wherever I am when he calls, I guess.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
There's no need to adopt a tone, Mr. President.

BARTLET
I'm not adopting a tone. I'm just trying to get out of here.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Would there be anything else, sir?

BARTLET
I'm saying no. I just want to go home.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
And there's that tone again.

LEO
[walks in] Mr. President?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Goodnight, sir. [exits]

BARTLET
Goodnight, Mrs. Landingham. [to LEO] I heard it's done?

LEO
Yeah. Commerce will leave the census amendment in committee. Appropriations will pass, no problem.

BARTLET
Good. I'm headed over to the residence.

LEO
I needed to speak to you about something.

BARTLET
Sure. (as LEO holds his jacket) Thank you.

LEO (helping BARTLET put on his jacket)
I should have told you earlier but... I moved out of the house. Jenny's asking me for a divorce.

BARTLET
You're kidding me?

LEO
No.

BARTLET
Leo, you're kidding me?!

LEO
No!

BARTLET
What happened?

LEO
Nothing happened, Mr. President. It's just one of those -

BARTLET
Don't tell me nothing happened, Leo, I know you, I know Jenny. Married couples like you don't just get divorced. Not ‘cause nothing happened -!

LEO (overlap)
Nothing happened! It's not like that.

BARTLET (sighs)
I want to talk to Jenny.

LEO
Feel free.

BARTLET
I don't understand how this happened, Leo. You and Jenny were happy!

LEO
Jenny was not happy.

BARTLET
Because you weren't spending enough time with her?

LEO
Yes, but that's not the -

BARTLET
Marriage needs attention, Leo. It can't run on autopilot. Come on, it's not your prom date we're talkin’ about here. We're talkin’ about your family!

LEO (loudly)
Well, Mr. President, thank you for pointing that out. (BARTLET scoffs) I tried to squeeze in as much time as I could between my wine-tasting club and running your White House.

BARTLET (firmly)
You can't blame this on me, hmm?

LEO
I'm not blaming you for it, sir. I'm not blaming anyone for it. It just happened, these things happen.

BARTLET
When did it happen?

LEO
Two weeks ago.

BARTLET
And you're just now telling me?

LEO
Honestly, I know how you feel about Jenny. I thought you'd think that somehow you were responsible for it, and you'd turn that guilt into an inappropriate anger toward me, which frankly, I can live without right now. [under his breath, as BARTLET grabs his briefcase and storms to the door] I can't imagine what made me think all that...

BARTLET
[walks over to the door] Fix this, Leo.

LEO
It's not as simple as that.

BARTLET
It is as simple as that. (with an edge to his voice) You're the man. Fix it.

LEO
Mr. President -

BARTLET
Fix it.

LEO
[angrily] Goodnight, sir.

BARTLET (dismissively)
Goodnight, Leo.

BARTLET opens the door and heads toward the residence.

FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
* * *

ACT FOUR

FADE IN: INT. GEORGETOWN BAR – NIGHT

CJ, SAM, JOSH, ZOEY, CHARLIE and MALLORY are gathered around a table at a bar. There's a lot of people around. We hear Learn To Fly by Foo Fighters playing.

MALLORY
[to SAM] So, your friend couldn't come tonight?

SAM
My friend, of course, you're talking about...?

MALLORY
Your special friend.

JOSH
Sam, does she know -?

SAM
My special friend.

CJ
What special friend?

JOSH
[to CJ] His special friend that Zoey can't know about.

ZOEY
The hooker!

A pause as everyone stares at ZOEY, horrified.

SAM
Okay. She's not a hooker. She's a call girl. And how do you know about this?

ZOEY
Mallory told me.

CJ (to SAM)
How does Mallory know about that?

SAM
I told her.

CJ
You told our boss' daughter that you slept with a call girl?

SAM
I didn't know she was Leo's daughter at the time. I thought she was a schoolteacher who came in with her class.

JOSH
So you thought you were telling a complete stranger that you slept with a call girl?

SAM
[quickly] Accidentally - slept with a call girl. Mallory ... does your father know?

MALLORY
No.

SAM
Zoey - does your father know?

ZOEY
Not yet.

SAM
Oh, so this is gonna be a thing ...

A server is delivering some drinks to the table.

MALLORY
Zoey and I have decided that it's time we start collecting IOUs.

SAM (confused)
Uh...

CJ (as the server leaves)
She didn't bring my grasshopper.

JOSH
She didn't?

CJ
No.

JOSH
Maybe she just felt really stupid ordering it.

CJ
The grasshopper is a perfectly respectable -

ZOEY
[standing] I'll get it.

CJ
I'll get it.

ZOEY
[quickly] I wanna see them make it. [everyone chuckles; to JOSH] Could you hold these?

JOSH
What?

ZOEY (taking items out of her pocket)
Just lipstick and stuff. My panic button. Ruins the line of my outfit.

JOSH
Got it.

ZOEY
It's called a grasshopper?

CJ
Straight up.

JOSH
Make sure they make it extra thick and green.

ZOEY walks to the bar.

CHARLIE
What is a panic button?

MALLORY
Oh, you don't wanna know. I've seen it in action.

CJ
The President is a very protective father.

JOSH
[to CHARLIE] So, you having a good time tonight?

CHARLIE
Yeah. I appreciate it.

JOSH
Seems like you're not really having a good time.

CJ
He's having a good time!

JOSH
Well...

CHARLIE
Do you think they know I don't go to college?

MALLORY
Who?

CHARLIE
All these people.

CJ
Charlie, you're twice as smart as anyone in the room.

CHARLIE
Yeah, but I don't go to college.

JOSH
Relax!

CJ
See, you keep telling him to relax with this sense of urgency -

JOSH
I just wanna make sure he's having a good time tonight!

CJ
He's having a good time! You relax!

JOSH
I'm not being urgent.

Meanwhile, ZOEY is at the bar watching the bartender, several young men standing around and chatting, when three FRAT GUYS come up behind her and basically surround her.

FRAT GUY 1
Hey.

ZOEY
Hey.

FRAT GUY 1
Uh, hi. Um...Wh-, what's your name?

ZOEY
What?

FRAT GUY 1 (as the other FRAT GUYS chuckle)
Uh, I said what's your name?

ZOEY (looking at the FRAT GUYS)
You're kidding, right?

FRAT GUY 2
Hey, he's just asking for your name.

FRAT GUY 1
No ... 

ZOEY
I'm -

FRAT GUY 1
Wait. Wait. Why don't we guess your name? All right?

ZOEY
Sure.

FRAT GUY 3
All right, all right, because I bet we can guess it.

Back at the table JOSH is continuing his discussion with CJ.

JOSH
I wouldn't say that there was urgency in my voice. I was simply asking if he was having a good time, and suggesting that if he relaxed -

CJ
Well, maybe if you stopped pestering him like you’re his great Aunt Ida...

CHARLIE (notices what’s going on with ZOEY at the bar)
Excuse me one second. [stands and walks to the bar]

CJ
Know what I'm saying?

We see ZOEY still surrounded by the FRAT GUYS.

ZOEY
It's Cassandra.

FRAT GUYS
Cassandra! We were gonna guess. You ruined it.

CHARLIE (makes his way through the crowd to ZOEY)
Is everything all right, Zoey?

GUY 2
He just called her Zoey.

CHARLIE
Come on, let's go back to the table.

FRAT GUY 1 (stopping CHARLIE from taking ZOEY’s arm)
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. -  What's up, Sammy?

CHARLIE
Zoey?

ZOEY moves towards CHARLIE again and the FRAT GUYS block her.

FRAT GUY 1
Whoa, excuse me. Ex, excuse me. Hey, we're just trying to buy a girl a drink here, man.

CHARLIE
She's 19 years old, man, you'd have to take her to Maryland.

FRAT GUY 2
Check out Super Fly.

ZOEY
Hey!

CHARLIE (reaching for ZOEY)
Let's go.

The FRAT GUYS block CHARLIE again.

FRAT GUY 1
No. Why don't you go? Alright?

CHARLIE
Look, guys. You don't know who this is, you don't want any trouble. (the FRAT GUYS laugh) Be cool - alright?

FRAT GUY 1
We’re cool.

CHARLIE
Yeah, I'm just sayin’, I'm lookin’ out for you.

FRAT GUY 1
I know what you're saying, you just want me to - be cool, alright?

CHARLIE (smiling)
Can I buy you guys a round?

FRAT GUY 2
Like LL Cool J, man, like Ice T.

FRAT GUY 3
Ice Cube, Ice tray, man.

Back at the table, JOSH can’t let it go.

JOSH
Why must you mock a perfectly natural brotherly instinct -?

SAM sees the situation developing at the bar and stands up, heading for CHARLIE.

CJ
I'm not mocking it, Josh, I'm saying maybe if you left the young man alone -

CJ and JOSH see SAM heading for the bar. They stand.

CJ
Josh?

JOSH
I know. [picks up the panic button and heads towards the bar]

FRAT GUY 1 (still looming over CHARLIE, as the other FRAT GUYS smile and laugh)
Why don't you do some of that hip-hop for us, G-Funk?

FRAT GUY 3
Dr. Huffy Puffy Dread man, Dr. Dolittle, man -

CHARLIE
Would you let us by, please?

FRAT GUY 1
You know, no. You know, what are you doing here with this girl? Huh? Huh? ‘Cause you know what, to me you look to be Dr. Faggot!

SAM
[coming up from behind] Hey! What the hell is going on around here?

FRAT GUY 1 (scoffing)
Who the hell are you?

SAM
Kiss my ass. Zoey?

ZOEY
I'm fine.

FRAT GUY 3
Kiss your what, Fairy Poppins?

SAM
Charlie?

CHARLIE
Everything's fine.

FRAT GUY 1 (to SAM)
Hey, you wanna go?

SAM
What?

GUY 1
You wanna go? Let's do it, right now. Come on.

JOSH
[coming up from behind CHARLIE, jovially] How's everybody doin'?

MALLORY and CJ appear behind JOSH.

FRAT GUY 1
Oh good, more fairy boys.

JOSH
Excuse me?

FRAT GUY 1 (in JOSH’s face)
I said, more fairy boys.

JOSH
Oh, this is too good to be true.

FRAT GUY 3
[indicating JOSH] Hey, I recognize this guy. [indicating ZOEY] Yeah, and she looks familiar, too.

JOSH
Yeah, uh, you guys don't realize it, but you're havin’ a pretty bad night.

FRAT GUY 1
Oh, really -

JOSH
Yeah -

FRAT GUY 1 (cont.)
- and who's gonna give it to us, huh?

The door to the bar bursts open, and several Secret Service AGENTS come bursting in, guns drawn and IDs held high.

AGENT
Federal Agents!

JOSH and SAM raise their arms and point at the FRAT GUYS near the bar. The crowd inside the bar reacts in confusion.

SAM and JOSH
Right here!

There’s shouting and clamor as the AGENTS push the FRAT GUYS against the bar and handcuff them. Another AGENT grabs ZOEY and takes her out of the bar.

AGENT
Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.

FRAT GUY 1
[bent over the bar, getting handcuffed; to CHARLIE] I ain't done with you, Sammy.

CHARLIE (stepping up to get in FRAT GUY 1’s face)
My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball of blow, you're spending spring break in a federal prison.

The AGENTS take the guys out of the bar.

CHARLIE
[to JOSH] Now I'm havin’ a good time.

JOSH
[tossing the panic button in the air] Well, my work here is done.

CUT TO: INT. THE MURAL ROOM – NIGHT

ZOEY is sitting on a couch. BARTLET is standing.

BARTLET
What happened?

ZOEY
They told you what happened.

BARTLET
Did you do anything at all to provoke these guys?

ZOEY
Like what?

BARTLET
Were you flirting with them?

ZOEY
Dad -!

BARTLET
Zoey, you flirt with guys.

ZOEY
Yes, Dad, I am 19 years old. I was not flirting with these guys. And even if I was it certainly wasn't justification for their behavior.

BARTLET
So what were you doing?

ZOEY
I went to the bar to get a drink.

BARTLET
What the hell were you doing drinking?

ZOEY
I was getting a drink for CJ!

BARTLET
I'm gonna up your protection.

ZOEY
No.

BARTLET
Yes.

ZOEY
Dad?!

BARTLET
Starting tomorrow.

ZOEY
I'm starting college in a month!

BARTLET
Well, you'll have plenty of friends to walk you to class.

ZOEY
I don't want this, Dad.

BARTLET
Zoey!

ZOEY
We talked about this. I'm entitled to this part of my life.

BARTLET
You're getting this part of your life.

ZOEY
I'm entitled to a normal -

BARTLET
Oh, please.

ZOEY (standing, upset)
Don't 'oh please' me.

BARTLET
Look, the Secret Service has their hands full -

ZOEY (storming away angrily)
The Secret Service should worry about you getting shot.

BARTLET
They are worried about me getting shot. I'm worried about me getting shot. But that is nothing compared to how terrified we are of you. You scare the hell out of the Secret Service, Zoey, and you scare the hell out of me, too. My getting killed would be bad enough, but that is not the nightmare scenario. The nightmare scenario, sweetheart, is you getting kidnapped. You go out to a bar or a party in some club, and you get up to go to the restroom, somebody comes up from behind, puts their hand across your mouth, and whisks you out the back door. You're so petrified, you don't even notice the bodies of two Secret Service agents lying on the ground with bullet holes in their heads. Then you're whisked away in a car. It's a big party with lots of noise, and lots of people coming and going. And it's a half hour before someone says, 'Hey, where's Zoey?' Another 15 minutes before the first phone call. (shouting now) It’s another hour and a half before anyone even thinks to shut down all the airports. Now we're off to the races. You're tied to a chair in a cargo shack, somewhere in the middle of Uganda. And I am told that I have 72 hours to get Israel to free 460 terrorist prisoners. So I'm on the phone pleading with Ben Yahbin and he's saying, 'I'm sorry Mr. President, but Israel simply does not negotiate with terrorists, period. It's the only way we can survive.' So now we've got a new problem, because this country no longer has a Commander in Chief, it has a father who's out of his mind because his little girl is in a shack somewhere in Uganda with a gun to her head! DO YOU GET IT?!

ZOEY (scared)
Yes.

BARTLET
[long pause] I'm sorry I yelled, sweetheart. Forgive me. Honey, I, I want you to have your freedom and your youth. I want you to have common everyday experiences with girls your own age. But don't ever forget, this is a privilege - and it is an experience that must be cherished beyond measure. And proper protection and security, though at times I admit, it's a drag, is never too high a price to pay.

ZOEY
You're right, I'm sorry.

BARTLET (as he and ZOEY hug)
It's alright, sweetheart. It's alright.

BARTLET kisses ZOEY's forehead.

ZOEY
Goodnight.

BARTLET
Goodnight, sweetheart. I love you.

ZOEY
I love you, too.

CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE – NIGHT

LEO is sitting on the couch in his office, apparently doing the newspaper crossword, when BARTLET enters.

BARTLET
Don't get up -

LEO
Good evening, Mr. President.

BARTLET
Hi. Uh, before, when I was being an idiot, there was something I forgot to say.

LEO
What?

BARTLET
I'm sorry.

LEO
Thank you.

BARTLET
I would like unanimous consent to revise and extend my remarks.

LEO
Without objection.

BARTLET
I don't know what the hell was the matter with me, Leo. If there's anything I can do to help – anything ...

LEO
Thanks.

CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM – NIGHT

JOSH, CHARLIE, and SAM are sitting around the table.

JOSH (to SAM)
Let me tell you something, I could have taken the two guys on the left.

SAM
Those were my guys.

JOSH
Which guys?

SAM
The guys on the left.

JOSH
The guys on the left as you're facing the bar?

SAM
Yeah. No. No. So you're me, I’m facing toward the bar?

DONNA enters with a box of food.

JOSH
Right.

DONNA
[putting the box and napkins on the table] Sandwiches.

JOSH
Thank you, Donna. Defending virtue is hungry work.

DONNA (turning to leave)
I'll be at my desk.

JOSH
Ah, Donna?

DONNA (stopping)
Yes?

JOSH
How much were the sandwiches?

DONNA
$12.95.

JOSH
I gave you a twenty!

DONNA
Yes. As it turns out you actually gave me more money than I needed to buy what you asked for. However, knowing you as I do, I'm afraid I can't trust you to spend the change wisely. I've decided to invest it for you.

JOSH
That was nice. That was a little parable.

DONNA
I want my money back. [leaves]

SAM
Yeah, so those were my guys.

JOSH
Okay, there's the one guy with the blonde hair?

SAM
Facing away from the bar?

CHARLIE (exasperated with the entire conversation)
There were no two guys that either one of you could have taken.

JOSH and SAM look at CHARLIE. BARTLET opens a door and calls.

BARTLET
Josh?

JOSH
Yes, sir.

JOSH stands and goes into LEO'S OFFICE.

BARTLET
What were you doing taking my daughter out to a bar?

JOSH
[pause] You told me to, sir.

BARTLET
I told you to take Charlie. When Zoey said she was going I just assumed you were gonna go have malteds or something.

JOSH
Malteds, sir?

BARTLET
Yes.

JOSH
What is this? Our Town?

BARTLET (stares)
Well, anyway. Thank you for doing whatever it was you did.

JOSH
A matter of fact, I didn't do anything. But - for what it's worth I should tell you that Charlie didn't blink before he put his body between danger and Zoey.

BARTLET
[opens the door] Charlie? Uh, Sam, you come too, please.

BARTLET
[to JOSH] You know, I once played the Stage Manager in a production of Our Town.

CHARLIE and SAM enter the office.

BARTLET
Charlie- (shakes hands) You a good poker player?

CHARLIE
No, sir.

BARTLET
Excellent, get your money out and take a seat.

CJ
[enters] Is Josh being punished?

BARTLET
Punished? No.

CJ
May I ask why not?

BARTLET
Because I said so.

MANDY and TOBY enter.

BARTLET
Good evening.

TOBY and MANDY
Good evening, sir. Mr. President.

BARTLET
Good work, both of you. You bought us some time.

MANDY
Thank you, sir.

TOBY
I understand you all had a very interesting evening.

JOSH
Yes.

TOBY
So did I.

JOSH
What happened?

TOBY
I met an unusual man.

BARTLET
CJ, deal the cards.

TOBY
He didn't walk into the room with a political agenda. He didn't walk in with his mind made up. He genuinely wanted to do what he thought was best. He didn't mind saying the words, ‘I don't know.’

CJ
I said ‘I don't know’ to Sam just this morning and I'd like to say I'm a better person for it. By the way, I now know everything there is to know about the census. Go ahead, you can ask me anything.

BARTLET
How many people live in the United States?

CJ stares levelly at BARTLET, then turns her glare to SAM.

SAM
There is some material we haven't covered yet.

The group laughs. Everyone is now seated at the table except TOBY, who is watching the TV in the corner of the office.

JOSH
Come on, Toby. Sit down.

TOBY
I just want to watch this.

LEO
We won it 40 votes ago.

TOBY
I just want to hear this one.

The TV is on C-SPAN coverage of the House appropriations bill vote.

ROLL CALL [VO, on TV]
Mr. Widen. Mr. Widen of Pennsylvania votes yea... Mr. Wilder. Mr. Wilder of South Carolina votes yea... Mr. Willis. Mr. Willis of Ohio votes yea.

TOBY lets out a sigh of satisfaction as the roll call continues.

ROLL CALL [cont.]
Mr. Zantowski. Mr. Zantowski of -

DISSOLVE TO: END CREDITS.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
* * *


The West Wing and all its characters are properties of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Productions, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended.

Episode 1x6 - Mr. Willis of Ohio
Original Airdate: November 3, 1999, 9:00 PM EST