WEST WING TRANSCRIPT: Season One - Mr. Willis Of Ohio (S1E6)

THE WEST WING
1x6 - “MR. WILLIS OF OHIO”
WRITTEN BY AARON SORKIN
DIRECTED BY CHRISTOPHER MISIANO

Edited and formatted by Walking, Talking and Yelling At Clouds (kegofglory.blogspot.com)

Link To My Blog Post For This Episode


TEASER

MR. WILLIS OF OHIO

FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT

BARTLET, CJ, LEO, JOSH, SAM, TOBY, and MANDY gathered around a table, playing poker. TOBY is smoking a cigar. CJ is dealing the cards.

CJ
Nine, no help. Jack, no help. Eight, possible flush. King, possible flush. Ace, no help. Six, possible straight. Dave of love for the dealer. Ace bets.

MANDY
Check.

SAM
Check.

CJ
Check.

LEO
Check.

JOSH
Check.

TOBY
[pause] Check.

There's a long silence.

CJ
Mr. President?

BARTLET
There is one fruit -

Everyone groans.

TOBY
Oh, please...

BARTLET
There is one fruit -

TOBY
Mr. President, check or bet, sir. Those are your choices.

BARTLET
There is one fruit -

JOSH
Or you should feel free to give us a quiz on inane trivia.

BARTLET
There is one fruit whose seeds are on the outside. Name it, please.

CJ
Is it the kumquat?

BARTLET
No.

Everyone laughs.

TOBY
Check or bet, sir?

BARTLET
I bet five.

MANDY
Call.

SAM
See it.

CJ
Fold.

LEO
See it.

JOSH
Call.

TOBY
I see it. And I raise you five.

EVERYONE
Oooh...

LEO
Trouble…

BARTLET sits quietly.

CJ
Mr. President?

BARTLET
It's the strawberry.

EVERYONE
Ah.

MANDY
Oh right.

TOBY
Well, thank you, sir. I just raised your bet.

BARTLET
Yes, you did, Toby, and I thought it was a bold move when you consider that Leo's holding the six you're looking for.

TOBY
Do you call the raise, sir?

BARTLET
It depends.

JOSH
Depends on what?

BARTLET
There are 14 punctuation marks in standard English grammar. Can anyone name them, please?

CJ
Period.

JOSH
Comma.

MANDY
Colon.

SAM
Semi-colon.

JOSH
Dash.

SAM
Hyphen.

LEO
Ah, apostrophe.

BARTLET
That's only seven. There’s seven more.

TOBY
Question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parentheses, braces and ellipsis.

CJ
Ooh.

LEO
Oh -

JOSH
Wow!

TOBY
Do you call the raise, sir?

BARTLET
There are three words in the English language, and three words only, that begin with the letters DW.

JOSH
This is a pretty good illustration of why we get nothing done.

All laugh.

BARTLET
Can anyone name them for me, please?

SAM
Three words that begin with the letters DW?

BARTLET
Yes.

SAM
Dwindle.

BARTLET
Yes.

TOBY
Dwarf.

BARTLET
Yes.

Everyone mumbles, repeating ‘dwindle’ and ‘dwarf’ as they try to think of another.

TOBY
[to SAM] C'mon, Princeton. We got dwindle, we got dwarf.

BARTLET
Uh, I see your five and raise you five. by the way.

TOBY
Dwarf... dwindle...

LEO
Fold.

JOSH
Fold.

CJ (dealing a card to TOBY and BARTLET)
Last card down.

BARTLET
'Witches brew a magic spell, an enchanted forest where -'

TOBY
Fairies dwell – Dwell, dwell! Dwindle, dwarf and dwell!

BARTLET
Well, the answer's correct but let's check with our judges and -- oh no, I'm sorry, time expired.

TOBY
What? What time?

BARTLET
My time.

JOSH
You have your own time?

Everyone laughs.

TOBY
I call.

BARTLET (showing his hand)
Trip nines.

EVERYONE
Ooh...

TOBY
Take your money, sir. You'd dwell to report that to the IRS, ‘cause god knows I will.

More laughter.

LEO
Hey, I'm done. I'm gonna head home.

BARTLET
Kiss Jenny for me.

LEO
Yeah, I will.

The staff begins to leave.

JOSH
Sam, I'm going back to the office, they got the Commerce report ready for me. What are you doing?

SAM
I was gonna go home.

JOSH
Sam … I'm going back to the office, they got the Commerce report ready for me. What are you doing?

SAM (as the others laugh)
I'm going to go back to your office with you and make sure you understand the Commerce report.

JOSH
Thank you.

SAM
When I get through with you you're gonna know everything there is to know about standard data versus sampling data in the census.

BARTLET and LEO walk into THE OVAL OFFICE. CHARLIE is seated on the couch.

BARTLET
Charlie, I'm headed over to the residence, you're done for the night.

CHARLIE
Thank you, sir. I'm gonna stay a bit to do some paperwork.

BARTLET
Don't stay up too late, son.

CJ
[to MANDY as they walk in] How'd you do?

MANDY
Eighty-four bucks.

CJ
Most of that's mine.

We hear a commotion outside the office, doors opening and footsteps.

MANDY
What's that?

Suddenly several Secret Service Agents burst into THE OVAL OFFICE.

AGENT DONNIE
Excuse me, Mr. President. I'm sorry, the building's not secure. Would everyone stay in the room, please?

SAM and JOSH are escorted in by another agent.

JOSH
This is happening way too often.

LEO
It's pledge week at the fraternities. The kids hop the fence.

AGENT DONNIE
Would you mind stepping away from the doors and windows, please?

JOSH
This whole room is doors and windows.

LEO
Josh.

JOSH
I'm cooperating, I'm cooperating.

AGENT DONNIE
This will be under control in just a minute, Mr. President.

BARTLET
All right.

There is a long pause as everyone looks around uneasily.

BARTLET
What body of water in South America is formed by the confluence of -?

TOBY
Excuse me, Wink Martindale? (chuckling) Do you really think this is the time?

BARTLET
Not quite up on your South American maritime geography, there, my friend?

AGENT DONNIE
We're clear.

BARTLET
Saved by the bell.

MANDY (as everyone starts out of the Oval Office)
This is the kind of thing that didn't used to happen at my old job.

SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES.
END TEASER
* * *

ACT ONE

FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE – DAY

TOBY walks in. Staffers are working in the office. CATHY is standing, dealing with some files.

TOBY
Cathy, I need a copy of Article 1, Section 2.

CATHY
Article 1, Section 2 of what?

TOBY
The Constitution.

CATHY
Is that something I'm supposed to have at my desk?

TOBY (beat)
Does anybody have a copy of the Constitution? [Several staffers, including GINGER and BONNIE, look at him blankly] This is discouraging.

CATHY
Bonnie, would you get Toby a copy of the Constitution?

BONNIE
Is it still in print?

TOBY
Oh, for crying out loud! Try Amazon dot com. If they don't have it then just bust into the glass display case at the National Archives!

CJ
[comes up from behind] You shouldn't yell.

TOBY
Is it still in print, is what my staff would like to know.

CJ
I'm here to see Sam.

TOBY
Go ahead.

CJ
It's not a big deal, I'm just, you know, here to see him about something.

TOBY
What do I care?

CJ
Absolutely no reason that you should.

TOBY
Okay.

TOBY walks into his office as CJ walks into SAM'S OFFICE. SAM is busy talking on the phone.

SAM
[into phone] Well - and the President's committed to vetoing any Commerce bill that prohibits sampling data as a legitimate component of the 2000 Census, and I'm not saber rattling, Jill, I'm just giving you a preview of what you're gonna get later with Toby. Yeah. I'll see you then. [hangs up, to CJ] Hey.

CJ
Hey. That was all - great, what you just said there.

SAM
What'd I just say?

CJ
Not so much what you said, but, the way you said it.

SAM
This census has to be taken seriously.

CJ
Tell me about it.

SAM
You know, it's not glamorous, but - you know.

CJ
Sure.

SAM
You need something?

CJ
Did you get a haircut?

SAM
No.

CJ
You look good today.

SAM
Thank you. You too.

CJ
New suit?

SAM
No.

CJ
You look good.

SAM
Whatcha need, CJ?

The two start walking from the office to the HALLWAY.

CJ
A tutor.

SAM
A tutor?

CJ
Yes.

SAM
What for?

CJ
Sam, I read my briefing book last night on the Commerce bill regarding the census and there’s certain parts of it that I don't quite understand.

SAM
I can help you out. Which parts?

CJ
Well, all of it.

SAM
All of it?

CJ
Yes.

SAM
You don't understand the census?

CJ
I don't understand certain nuances.

SAM
Like what?

CJ
Like, the census.

SAM
CJ, we've been working on this Commerce bill for three weeks, I hear you talk about the census all the time.

CJ
Yeah. Yeah.

SAM
W-, well, I, I don't understand. How can you -?

CJ
I've been faking it.

SAM
You've been faking it?

CJ
I've been playing it fast and loose there's no doubt about it, but sitting in on some of the meetings we've been having, and reading the briefing book last night, I have to say that the census is starting to sound to me like it's, well, im-, important.

SAM
Uh-huh.

CJ
And, I've come to the realization that if I'm gonna be talking about it all week, it's probably best that I understand what I'm saying. (chuckles)

SAM
When?

CJ
When what?

SAM
When did you come to this realization?

CJ
About an hour ago.

SAM
Okay. Let's - I tell you what, let's forget about the fact that you're coming a little late to the party and embrace the idea that you showed up at all.

CJ
That's what I say.

SAM
Let's start at lunch.

CJ
Thank you.

SAM
You've been faking it?

CJ
Yes.

SAM
The President?

CJ
I know. I probably shouldn't do that.

SAM
You think?

CJ
I'll see you at lunch.

CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA – DAY

JOSH is moving through the bullpen dropping off files. DONNA comes up from behind him.

DONNA
Hi.

JOSH
Hi. [starts walking, DONNA following]

DONNA
Can I ask you a question?

JOSH
About what?

DONNA
The budget surplus.

JOSH
Go ahead.

DONNA
There's a $30 billion budget surplus.

JOSH
It'll actually shake out to about 32 billion.

DONNA
Whatever.

JOSH
Well, you know what they say?

DONNA
What do they say?

JOSH
A billion dollars here, a billion dollars there, sooner or later it starts to add up to real money.

DONNA
That's a nifty saying, Josh.

JOSH
I didn't coin it or anything.

DONNA
We have a $32 billion surplus for the first time in three decades.

JOSH
Yes.

DONNA
Republicans in Congress want to use this money for tax relief, right?

JOSH
Yes.

DONNA
Essentially what they're saying is, they wanna give back the money.

JOSH
Yes.

DONNA
Why don't we wanna give back the money?

JOSH
'Cause we're Democrats.

DONNA
But it's not the government's money!

JOSH
Sure it is. It's right there in our bank account.

DONNA
That's only because we collected more money than we ended up needing.

JOSH
Isn't it great?

DONNA
I want my money back.

JOSH
Sorry.

DONNA
We're not done with this.

JOSH
I didn't think so.

JOSH and DONNA enter LEO'S OFFICE. TOBY, CATHY, MANDY, SAM and LEO are gathered there. They are reading the appropriations bill.

LEO
Twelve million dollars to establish an Appalachian transportation institute. One point five million to study parking facilities at commercial truck stops. Three million dollars to produce a documentary on highway infrastructure. These are just some of today's additions to the appropriations bill. And that's just in the area of transportation.

MANDY
Two million dollars for a volcano monitor in Alaska to warn passing airplanes about ash?

LEO
By the way, the FAA doesn't know what that is.

TOBY
$550,000 for New York State to restore the home of Susan B. Anthony.

JOSH
While we're at it, the tile in my shower could use re-grouting.

MANDY
Could somebody please remind me what's in this for us?

TOBY
Power zones, US rail, and federal funding for 100,000 new public school teachers.

MANDY
Thank you.

LEO
How's this working?

MANDY
We have a meeting with Gladman and Skinner, and they represent two of the three swing votes on the Commerce Committee.

LEO
Swing votes in terms of the census?

MANDY
Yes. And if they agree to drop the sampling prohibition, the appropriations bill could pass without a problem.

LEO
Who's the third?

MANDY
The third?

LEO
You said three swing votes - Gladman, Skinner...

TOBY
Janice Willis' husband.

LEO
Right.

TOBY
Presumably he's gonna do what he's told.

MANDY
We're fine.

LEO
You sure?

TOBY
Tomorrow's the start of a three-day weekend and 435 Congressmen want to make their flights home in the morning.

LEO
You think that'll do it?

TOBY
Oh, I know that'll do it.

LEO
What time's the meeting?

TOBY
11:00.

LEO
Just don't do anything to screw up or in any way embarrass me, okay?

JOSH
Leo ... Knute Rockne. Sometimes I get ‘em mixed up.

LEO
Go.

CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE – DAY

BARTLET and the head of the Secret Service Presidential detail, RON BUTTERFIELD, are seated on the couch. Blueprints are spread out on the table in front of them.

BUTTERFIELD
If they hop the fence, they're going to jail. What they do once we get to ‘em is what's gonna determine for how long.

BARTLET
What tripped the alarm?

BUTTERFIELD
Well, there are alarms in the ground, [pointing to the blueprint] here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. She tripped it here.

BARTLET
She?

BUTTERFIELD
Yes, sir.

BARTLET
It wasn't a fraternity stunt?

BUTTERFIELD
No, sir. It was a mentally unbalanced woman in her forties.

BARTLET
Well, you know, just trying to kill me isn't necessarily evidence of being mentally unbalanced.

BUTTERFIELD
Sir, it, it appears from her statement - you weren't the target.

BARTLET
I wasn't?

BUTTERFIELD
No, sir.

BARTLET
Who was?

BUTTERFIELD
Your daughter.

BARTLET
Zoey?

BUTTERFIELD
Yes, sir.

BARTLET (as LEO enters)
Leo.

LEO
Good morning, Mr. President.

BARTLET
You know Ron Butterfield?

LEO
Sure.

BARTLET
He says it was a woman!

LEO
We spoke last night.

BUTTERFIELD
We're still reviewing the frame-by-frame, Leo.

LEO
I'll get a report first thing?

BUTTERFIELD
Yes, sir. Mr. President, if I could excuse myself to the outer office I could make a call and see -

BARTLET
Of course, help yourself.

BUTTERFIELD (leaving)
Thank you, sir.

BARTLET
[to LEO] This woman was after Zoey?

LEO
There were eight security checks between where the woman was and Zoey's bedroom.

BARTLET (beat)
There's no need for Zoey to know about this, right?

LEO
No.

BARTLET
What do you need?

LEO
This may be the wrong time, Mr. President, but I wanted to speak to you about… As the game was breaking up last night, you mentioned I should say hello to Jenny.

BUTTERFIELD walks back into the room.

BARTLET
Hang on a second. What've you got, Ron?

BUTTERFIELD
You'll be happy to know our security system worked exactly the way our security system's supposed to work.

BARTLET
Well, I guess that's something.

BUTTERFIELD
Yes, sir.

LEO
You'll send the full report?

BUTTERFIELD
About two hours.

BARTLET
[to LEO] You were saying?

LEO
It can wait.

BARTLET
You sure?

LEO
Yeah. Good seeing you, Ron.

BUTTERFIELD
Take care.

LEO
I'll see you in an hour, sir.

BARTLET
[to LEO] All right, thanks. [to BUTTERFIELD, as LEO exits] I guess we're done, too.

BUTTERFIELD
I wouldn't lose a lot of sleep over it, sir.

BARTLET
No, no.

BUTTERFIELD
Good seeing you, Mr. President.

BARTLET
You, too. [stopping him as he turns to leave] Ron?

BUTTERFIELD
Yes, sir?

BARTLET
Did she have a gun?

BUTTERFIELD
Yes, sir.

BARTLET
Okay. Thank you.

BUTTERFIELD leaves.

FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE.
* * *

ACT TWO

FADE IN: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM – DAY

MANDY and JOSH are pouring coffee from carafes. A basket of bagels is on the table. Congressmen GLADMAN, SKINNER and JOE WILLIS walk in.

GLADMAN
Josh, good to see you.

JOSH
Congressman.

SKINNER
Morning.

JOSH
Morning.

GLADMAN
Mandy, if I'd known you were going to be here I would have brought my sword and shield.

MANDY
Champagne and flowers would've done the trick.

GLADMAN
Have you met Joe Willis?

JOSH
No, we haven't.

WILLIS (shaking hands with JOSH)
My wife was Janice Willis.

JOSH
I know.

WILLIS
She passed away last month, so - I've taken over her seat in Congress.

MANDY
Yes, sir, we know. We're so sorry for your loss.

WILLIS
The White House sent flowers and, the President wrote a very beautiful note. I wonder if you could pass along my thanks.

JOSH
We sure will, Congressman.

WILLIS
Ah, please, no, I'm not a Congressman. I teach 8th grade social studies. And this is only temporary until -

TOBY enters with CATHY and two other staffers, CHRISTOPHER and ANTHONY. They roll in a cart with several copies of the very large appropriations bill.

TOBY
Morning. Everyone got fruit, everyone got bagels. Good, good. (to the staffers) Christopher, Anthony, would you mind putting my copy of the appropriations bill on the table, please. Thank you, Christopher - thank you, Anthony – (CHRISTOPHER and ANTHONY take away the cart as CATHY sits in the back) and thank you, Cathy. Gentlemen, why don't we take our seats? Congressman Skinner, welcome. Congressman Gladman, always good to have you here, sir. Congressman Willis, I was a great fan of your late wife.

WILLIS
Thank you.

TOBY (referring to the thick binders of the bill)
This represents the latest draft of the House appropriations bill. It is 7000 pages long, and weighs over 55 pounds. It includes $1.2 million for a lettuce geneticist in Salinas, California, and $1.7 million for manure handling in Starkville, Mississippi.

GLADMAN
Toby, you know that's what happens.

TOBY
Eight states will divide $5 million to research the uses of wood.

SKINNER (chuckling)
Yeah, we, uh, we, we saw that one.

TOBY
I'm thinking of some uses for it right now.

GLADMAN
I thought we were here to talk about the census?

JOSH
We are, the White House just wanted to take this opportunity to point out that you are criminals and despots.

GLADMAN
Thank you.

JOSH
No problem.

GLADMAN
But that's not going to stop the President from signing the bill into law?

JOSH
No, sadly, it won't. What will stop the President from signing the bill is the amendment your committee is offering on the census.

MANDY
The three of you represent the swing vote on the Commerce Committee. You drop the census amendment and the appropriations bill goes through without a hitch. Insist on the law prohibiting sampling and you can count on a long floor fight followed by an almost certain veto.

TOBY
I would like to emphasize the long floor fight of it all, and remind you that I have absolutely no conscience when it comes to exploiting the fact that you have non- refundable airline tickets for the weekend. With that in mind -

WILLIS
Ah, excuse me.

TOBY
Yes, sir?

WILLIS
I'm not leaving town.

TOBY
I'm sorry?

WILLIS
I'm not leaving town this weekend. I was gonna stay and see some of Janice's friends. So, there's no need to rush on my account. You can take as much time as you like.

TOBY
[long pause] Good - then. (clears throat) Let's talk.

GLADMAN rolls his eyes in dismay.

CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY – DAY

CJ and SAM are walking towards her office.

CJ
And you're gonna go slowly, right?

SAM
Yes.

CJ
Pretend for the purposes of this conversation that I'm dumb.

SAM
Let me try and conjure an image of you as a stupid person -

CJ
You're crackin’ wise. I'm coming to you exposed and vulnerable -?

SAM
This is your office. I'm comin’ to you.

CJ
I meant symbolically.

SAM
Ah.

They enter CJ'S OFFICE and both sit.

CJ
I'm a person saying there's something I do not know, will you teach me. It's hard to admit you don't know something. That makes me - submissive.

SAM
What is it exactly you're asking me to do?

CJ
I'm admitting to you that - there are things I do not know.

SAM
And I'm telling you that I don't think anybody would have any trouble imagining that there are things you do not know.

CJ
Explain it to me.

SAM
The Constitution mandates that every ten years we count everybody.

CJ
Why?

SAM
Because representation at the various levels of the government, federal, state, and municipal, is based on population. The only way to find out how many Congressmen California gets is to count the people in California. Got it?

CJ
Can I just say that if the briefing book had been written that clearly, I would have easily understood?

SAM
We're not through yet.

CJ
Okay.

SAM
The decennial census has always been done by a door-to-door head count. Some 950,000 professionals are hired. The process costs approximately $6.9 billion. The process is also very inaccurate. It tends to be significantly disadvantageous to inner city populations, recent immigrant populations, and, of course, the homeless.

CJ
You are a very good teacher, Sam. I want you to know that in this -

SAM
Your time of vulnerability?

CJ
Yes. I appreciate it.

SAM
We're not done yet.

CJ
Okay.

CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE – DAY

LEO walks in to find MALLORY there.

LEO
Oh! Hey, baby!

MALLORY
Hi, Daddy. [embraces him]

LEO
Oh - can you stay long?

MALLORY
No. I just wanted to bring you some stuff from home.

LEO
Ah, you didn't have to do that.

MALLORY
I wanted you to have some stuff that you like.

LEO
I'm really fine, Mal.

MALLORY
You're okay at the hotel?

LEO
I wanted Mom to have the house.

MALLORY
But you're gonna look for a place, right? I can help you out on the weekends.

LEO
Mallory, this thing with your mother and me, it'll blow over.

MALLORY
No, it won't, Dad. You understand that, right?

CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM – DAY

TOBY, JOSH, MANDY, and the three Congressmen are still discussing the census.

MANDY (as DONNA enters and whispers something to JOSH)
This is not amortized over the life of the budget, this is a one-time experiment.

GLADMAN
This is a purely partisan issue, Mandy. The Democrats want to win back the House!

MANDY
I'm not gonna deny that there's something for us to gain.

JOSH stands and exits the room with DONNA.

SKINNER
No, no, no. It, it's like you lost the battle but now you wanna -

SKINNER's voice fades out as we follow DONNA and JOSH into the HALLWAY.

JOSH
Did he say what it was about?

DONNA
No. What's wrong with me getting my money back?

JOSH
You won't spend it right.

DONNA
What do you mean?

JOSH
Let's say your cut of the surplus is $700. I want to take your money, combine it with everybody else's money, and use it to pay down the debt and further endow Social Security. What do you want to do with it?

DONNA
Buy a DVD player.

JOSH
See?

DONNA
But my $700 is helping employ the people who manufacture and sell DVD players, not to mention the people who manufacture and sell DVDs. It's the natural evolution of a market economy.

JOSH
The problem is, the DVD player you buy might be made in Japan.

DONNA
I'll buy an American one.

JOSH
We don't trust you.

DONNA
Why not?

JOSH
We're Democrats.

DONNA
Ugh - I want my money back!

JOSH
You shouldn't have voted for us.

DONNA walks away, and JOSH walks inside the OUTER OVAL OFFICE. He sees CHARLIE and MRS. LANDINGHAM.

JOSH
Hey, Charlie.

CHARLIE
What's up, Josh?

JOSH
Mrs. Landingham, I got a message he needed to see me?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Yeah, go on in.

Josh walks into THE OVAL OFFICE. Several people are in the room. BARTLET is on the phone.

BARTLET
[into phone] Yes. (beat) Yes.(beat, as BARTLET signals JOSH to enter) Yes, of course. [pause; finally, to JOSH] I'm on a conference call with the Postmaster General.

JOSH
What's it about?

BARTLET
I honestly couldn't tell you.

JOSH
Ah.

BARTLET
Look, I want you to do me a favor.

JOSH
Of course.

BARTLET
Take Charlie out for a beer tonight.

JOSH
Take him out for a beer?

BARTLET
Yeah. The kid has no life. You're the only guy around here he knows at all. Take him out for a couple of beers, you guys come back, we'll all watch the vote in Leo's office.

JOSH
Sure.

BARTLET
Good, thanks. Let me give you some cash.

JOSH
No sir, I, I don't need -

BARTLET
[puts hand in pocket] Don't be silly.

JOSH
I have money, Mr. President. I'm fine.

BARTLET
You sure?

JOSH
Yes, sir.

BARTLET
Truth be known, I don't have any cash on me.

JOSH
It's fine.

BARTLET
I don't carry any cash anymore. I don't carry keys, either.

JOSH
Well, I wouldn't think you'd need them, sir.

BARTLET
How's it going in there?

JOSH
We'll see.

BARTLET
I appreciate it.

JOSH
Yes, sir.

BARTLET (into phone, as JOSH exits)
Yes?

JOSH
[walks back out to the OUTER OVAL OFFICE and turns to CHARLIE] Charlie?

CHARLIE
Yes?

JOSH
You got plans tonight?

CHARLIE
No.

JOSH
You don't have to sit with your sister?

CHARLIE
She's having a sleepover at a girlfriend's. What do you want me to do?

JOSH
Have a beer with me.

CHARLIE
What do you mean?

JOSH
Tonight. We'll go to a bar in Georgetown. We'll, speak as men do.

CHARLIE
We will?

JOSH
Yeah.

CHARLIE
Um... What kind of bar is this, Josh?

JOSH
No - it's fine.

CHARLIE
Okay.

JOSH
Great.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Josh, aren't you a little old to be leering at college coeds?

JOSH
I'm a Fulbright Scholar, Mrs. Landingham. I don't leer. Also, there'll be plenty of grad students there.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Oh well, good, then.

JOSH (to CHARLIE, as he walks out)
So I'll come get you.

CHARLIE
Okay.

JOSH
Great.

JOSH walks out into the HALLWAY. MALLORY and ZOEY come up from behind.

ZOEY
Josh!

JOSH
Hey.

MALLORY
Hey.

ZOEY
Take us with you.

JOSH
Where?

MALLORY
Out tonight.

ZOEY
Your plans with Charlie.

JOSH
How do you know I'm going out with Charlie?

ZOEY
My Dad just told us.

MALLORY
He said you should take us with you.

JOSH
The man is like a camp counselor.

MALLORY
Take us with you, Josh. Take us with you.

JOSH
Nope.

ZOEY
Why?

JOSH
These are plans among men.

MALLORY
We don't care if you flirt with the coeds.

JOSH
Okay, there's gonna be grad students there, can we keep that in mind?

ZOEY
Sounded, uh, kinda like an order, Josh.

JOSH
Fine.

MALLORY
Bring Sam Seaborn.

JOSH
Sam's got enough going on in his life right now without you making a booty call.

MALLORY
I am not making a booty call. We had an interesting conversation that got interrupted, and I'd like to finish it with him.

JOSH
Whatever.

ZOEY
This is gonna be fun.

MALLORY and ZOEY walk away, leaving JOSH at his office door.

JOSH
The President's daughter, the Chief of Staff's daughter, a Georgetown bar and Sam. What could possibly go wrong? [walks in]

FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *

ACT THREE

FADE IN: INT. BRIEFING ROOM - DAY

CJ and SAM are alone in the press briefing room.

CJ
What's the problem with a straight head count?

SAM
Head counts have proven staggeringly inaccurate.

CJ
Why?

SAM
How're you gonna count the homeless? There's a large and growing population of people who don't speak English. And there are plenty of people, particularly in the inner city, don't wanna answer questions when you knock on their door. Plus it's always been hard. Sampling, statisticians have told us, is a much more effective way of getting a good census.

CJ
And what's the legal argument?

SAM
The legal argument is it's unconstitutional. The legal argument is it's, it’s law.

CJ
But if sampling's really against the law, why would Congress be trying to pass legislation saying sampling's against the law?

SAM (chuckling)
You see how good it feels to understand what you're talking about?

CJ
And you see I'm able to do it without being patronizing?

SAM
What happened to 'You look good today’?

CJ (smiling)
I got over it.

JOSH
[comes in] Sam?

SAM
Yeah.

JOSH
I'm taking Charlie for a beer tonight before the vote. Zoey and Mallory are coming.

SAM
Sounds good.

CJ
I like beer.

JOSH
Uh, if you wanna come, I guess that'd be okay.

CJ
Why, Josh, you've, you’ve swept me off my feet.

JOSH
Whatever. I, I'll see you later. [leaves]

CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM – DAY

TOBY, MANDY, GLADMAN, SKINNER and WILLIS are still discussing the amendment.

MANDY
In the last census, 8 million people, mostly Black, weren't counted. And in the same census, 4 million people, mostly white, were counted twice.

TOBY
Sampling will give a count that bears a much greater relationship to reality and will do it to the tune of four billion dollars less than a door-to-door head count.

MANDY
Sampling will cost 2.7 billion. And an inaccurate head count will cost 6.9.

TOBY
Every single expert, including the Census Bureau itself, which is a bipartisan commission, has said - sampling is better.

GLADMAN
We've heard these arguments many times, but in this country we have a Constitution.

TOBY
We are aware of that.

SKINNER
The Constitution's very clear on this.

TOBY
I don't think it is.

SKINNER
Until a court rules that sampling is Constitutional -

TOBY
The article is arcane.

SKINNER
Oh, come on, Toby. The article is not arcane!

TOBY
Let's take a look at it.

SKINNER
No. No. We, we don't have time to -

TOBY
Let's take a look at it!

GLADMAN
Toby! None of us is a Constitutional scholar. And we honestly don't -

MANDY
It's not gonna take long.

TOBY
My staff managed to unearth a copy.

SKINNER
Toby, come on, we've been here for six -

TOBY
Mandy, would you read please from Article 1, Section 2?

GLADMAN
This is silly!

TOBY
Still and all, it is the owner's manual and we should read what it has to say!

MANDY
[reading] 'Representatives and direct taxes shall be apportioned among the several states, which may be included within this union according to their respective numbers, which shall be determined by adding the whole number of persons including those bound to service for a term of years.'

SKINNER
Well, you said it right there. It says ‘which shall be determined by the whole number of persons.’ The whole number of persons. Not, not, not the end of an equation that some statistician got off of a computer. It says so right there!

TOBY
Actually that's not what it says.

SKINNER
Wha- wh, what do you mean?

TOBY
Mandy left out a few words. Didn't she, Mr. Willis?

WILLIS
Yes.

TOBY
Mr. Willis teaches 8th grade social studies, and Mr. Willis knows very well what the Article says. It says ‘which shall be determined by adding the whole number of free persons - and three fifths of all other persons.’ Three fifths of all other persons, they meant you, Mr. Willis, didn't they?

WILLIS
Yes.

TOBY
Mr. Willis, you are asking to enact a law, which will limit the ability of those people who need to be counted the most, to be counted as people at all. And their only refuge is the argument that Article 1, Section 2 is not arcane.

There is a pause.

GLADMAN
Well, I think we're through here. I can report back to the Chairman of my committee, (preparing to leave) but I really don't think that either he or the leadership is going to allow any one of us to change our vote.

TOBY
Congressman, you are talking about tying up an appropriations bill -!

SKINNER
We don't need you to tell us what we're talking about, Toby. And waiting til the 11th hour to call this -

MANDY
Excuse me! What, what is this, the fourth time we've arranged this meeting? And by the way it's not -

WILLIS
I will.

TOBY (beat, as everyone looks at WILLIS)
What, sir?

WILLIS
I think we should drop it.

GLADMAN (moving to WILLIS)
Joe?

WILLIS
That's my choice, right?

SKINNER
Joe, Joe, the chairman of our committee recommends that we -

WILLIS
No. I saw what he recommended, and I appreciate his help. But it's still my choice, right?

TOBY
Absolutely, sir. It is your choice.

WILLIS
Well, then I change my mind. I think we should drop the census amendment and let the appropriation bill go through as is.

GLADMAN
Joe -

WILLIS
Until a court rules on whether sampling is constitutional.

MANDY
Well... then... excellent.

SKINNER
Well, looks like you snuck one in the back door, eh, Toby?

TOBY
It got through whatever door was open to me.

GLADMAN
Well, we're gonna have to revisit this.

MANDY
Yes.

GLADMAN
Mr. Willis, do you need any help to find your way out?

WILLIS
No, thank you. I think I can manage.

TOBY
Thank you, gentlemen, have a good weekend.

GLADMAN and SKINNER leave.

MANDY
[to WILLIS] Thank you.

TOBY
[to MANDY] Go tell Leo.

MANDY leaves. WILLIS goes about cleaning up his area of the table.

TOBY
Mr. Willis?

WILLIS
You can call me Joe.

TOBY
If you don't mind me asking, sir, what changed your mind?

WILLIS
What do you mean?

TOBY
Well, I know it wasn't expediency, sir. I was wondering what changed your mind?

WILLIS
You did. I thought you made a very strong argument.

TOBY
Well, thank you, uh - [laughs] I'm smiling because, well, around here the merits of a particular argument generally take a back seat to political tactics.

WILLIS
I would imagine.

TOBY
Yeah.

WILLIS
It worked on me.

TOBY
I was taking advantage of you, sir.

WILLIS
I know.

TOBY
There are some things I did not mention. First of all, it is partisan. Second of all, I'm not wild about the precedent.

WILLIS
You mean -?

TOBY
What's to stop us from saying we don't need elections, we'll just use polling data. 1150 people with a sampling error of plus or minus three will decide who runs the country.

WILLIS
I thought about that.

TOBY
And?

WILLIS
It's okay by me. As long as it's not the same people who decide what's on television. (TOBY and WILLIS laugh heartily, as WILLIS begins to leave) Toby - I'm not nearly as smart as my wife was. I went to night school, because I went to work pretty young. And I tried to understand the things Janice brought home from the office, but -  I wasn't in her league. I never understood what she wanted with a dummy like me. [pause] I think the problems that we're going to face in the new century are far beyond the wisdom of Solomon, let alone me. But I think the right place to start is to say - fair is fair. This is who we are. These are our numbers.

TOBY
I'm sorry I never got to know your wife, sir.

WILLIS
She would have liked you.

TOBY
Thank you. Thank you.

WILLIS
I've got a roll call.

TOBY
Nothing to it. They call your name, you vote yea.

WILLIS
Well, this is my first, and likely my only, vote in the House of Representatives.

TOBY
Well, good luck, Congressman.

WILLIS (shaking hands)
Thank you.

WILLIS walks away. TOBY watches him thoughtfully.

CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE – NIGHT

BARTLET is getting ready to leave for the residence. MRS. LANDINGHAM and NANCY are helping him.

MRS. LANDINGHAM (bringing BARTLET a folder)
You wanted to read these with dinner.

BARTLET
Thanks.

NANCY
Would you like the Tokyo Exchange sent to your bedroom?

BARTLET
Yeah, sure. (NANCY exits)

MRS. LANDINGHAM
And the call from the Secretary?

BARTLET
Yes?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Would you like it during the dining room?

BARTLET
I'll take the call wherever I am when he calls, I guess.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
There's no need to adopt a tone, Mr. President.

BARTLET
I'm not adopting a tone. I'm just trying to get out of here.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Would there be anything else, sir?

BARTLET
I'm saying no. I just want to go home.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
And there's that tone again.

LEO
[walks in] Mr. President?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Goodnight, sir. [exits]

BARTLET
Goodnight, Mrs. Landingham. [to LEO] I heard it's done?

LEO
Yeah. Commerce will leave the census amendment in committee. Appropriations will pass, no problem.

BARTLET
Good. I'm headed over to the residence.

LEO
I needed to speak to you about something.

BARTLET
Sure. (as LEO holds his jacket) Thank you.

LEO (helping BARTLET put on his jacket)
I should have told you earlier but... I moved out of the house. Jenny's asking me for a divorce.

BARTLET
You're kidding me?

LEO
No.

BARTLET
Leo, you're kidding me?!

LEO
No!

BARTLET
What happened?

LEO
Nothing happened, Mr. President. It's just one of those -

BARTLET
Don't tell me nothing happened, Leo, I know you, I know Jenny. Married couples like you don't just get divorced. Not ‘cause nothing happened -!

LEO (overlap)
Nothing happened! It's not like that.

BARTLET (sighs)
I want to talk to Jenny.

LEO
Feel free.

BARTLET
I don't understand how this happened, Leo. You and Jenny were happy!

LEO
Jenny was not happy.

BARTLET
Because you weren't spending enough time with her?

LEO
Yes, but that's not the -

BARTLET
Marriage needs attention, Leo. It can't run on autopilot. Come on, it's not your prom date we're talkin’ about here. We're talkin’ about your family!

LEO (loudly)
Well, Mr. President, thank you for pointing that out. (BARTLET scoffs) I tried to squeeze in as much time as I could between my wine-tasting club and running your White House.

BARTLET (firmly)
You can't blame this on me, hmm?

LEO
I'm not blaming you for it, sir. I'm not blaming anyone for it. It just happened, these things happen.

BARTLET
When did it happen?

LEO
Two weeks ago.

BARTLET
And you're just now telling me?

LEO
Honestly, I know how you feel about Jenny. I thought you'd think that somehow you were responsible for it, and you'd turn that guilt into an inappropriate anger toward me, which frankly, I can live without right now. [under his breath, as BARTLET grabs his briefcase and storms to the door] I can't imagine what made me think all that...

BARTLET
[walks over to the door] Fix this, Leo.

LEO
It's not as simple as that.

BARTLET
It is as simple as that. (with an edge to his voice) You're the man. Fix it.

LEO
Mr. President -

BARTLET
Fix it.

LEO
[angrily] Goodnight, sir.

BARTLET (dismissively)
Goodnight, Leo.

BARTLET opens the door and heads toward the residence.

FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
* * *

ACT FOUR

FADE IN: INT. GEORGETOWN BAR – NIGHT

CJ, SAM, JOSH, ZOEY, CHARLIE and MALLORY are gathered around a table at a bar. There's a lot of people around. We hear Learn To Fly by Foo Fighters playing.

MALLORY
[to SAM] So, your friend couldn't come tonight?

SAM
My friend, of course, you're talking about...?

MALLORY
Your special friend.

JOSH
Sam, does she know -?

SAM
My special friend.

CJ
What special friend?

JOSH
[to CJ] His special friend that Zoey can't know about.

ZOEY
The hooker!

A pause as everyone stares at ZOEY, horrified.

SAM
Okay. She's not a hooker. She's a call girl. And how do you know about this?

ZOEY
Mallory told me.

CJ (to SAM)
How does Mallory know about that?

SAM
I told her.

CJ
You told our boss' daughter that you slept with a call girl?

SAM
I didn't know she was Leo's daughter at the time. I thought she was a schoolteacher who came in with her class.

JOSH
So you thought you were telling a complete stranger that you slept with a call girl?

SAM
[quickly] Accidentally - slept with a call girl. Mallory ... does your father know?

MALLORY
No.

SAM
Zoey - does your father know?

ZOEY
Not yet.

SAM
Oh, so this is gonna be a thing ...

A server is delivering some drinks to the table.

MALLORY
Zoey and I have decided that it's time we start collecting IOUs.

SAM (confused)
Uh...

CJ (as the server leaves)
She didn't bring my grasshopper.

JOSH
She didn't?

CJ
No.

JOSH
Maybe she just felt really stupid ordering it.

CJ
The grasshopper is a perfectly respectable -

ZOEY
[standing] I'll get it.

CJ
I'll get it.

ZOEY
[quickly] I wanna see them make it. [everyone chuckles; to JOSH] Could you hold these?

JOSH
What?

ZOEY (taking items out of her pocket)
Just lipstick and stuff. My panic button. Ruins the line of my outfit.

JOSH
Got it.

ZOEY
It's called a grasshopper?

CJ
Straight up.

JOSH
Make sure they make it extra thick and green.

ZOEY walks to the bar.

CHARLIE
What is a panic button?

MALLORY
Oh, you don't wanna know. I've seen it in action.

CJ
The President is a very protective father.

JOSH
[to CHARLIE] So, you having a good time tonight?

CHARLIE
Yeah. I appreciate it.

JOSH
Seems like you're not really having a good time.

CJ
He's having a good time!

JOSH
Well...

CHARLIE
Do you think they know I don't go to college?

MALLORY
Who?

CHARLIE
All these people.

CJ
Charlie, you're twice as smart as anyone in the room.

CHARLIE
Yeah, but I don't go to college.

JOSH
Relax!

CJ
See, you keep telling him to relax with this sense of urgency -

JOSH
I just wanna make sure he's having a good time tonight!

CJ
He's having a good time! You relax!

JOSH
I'm not being urgent.

Meanwhile, ZOEY is at the bar watching the bartender, several young men standing around and chatting, when three FRAT GUYS come up behind her and basically surround her.

FRAT GUY 1
Hey.

ZOEY
Hey.

FRAT GUY 1
Uh, hi. Um...Wh-, what's your name?

ZOEY
What?

FRAT GUY 1 (as the other FRAT GUYS chuckle)
Uh, I said what's your name?

ZOEY (looking at the FRAT GUYS)
You're kidding, right?

FRAT GUY 2
Hey, he's just asking for your name.

FRAT GUY 1
No ... 

ZOEY
I'm -

FRAT GUY 1
Wait. Wait. Why don't we guess your name? All right?

ZOEY
Sure.

FRAT GUY 3
All right, all right, because I bet we can guess it.

Back at the table JOSH is continuing his discussion with CJ.

JOSH
I wouldn't say that there was urgency in my voice. I was simply asking if he was having a good time, and suggesting that if he relaxed -

CJ
Well, maybe if you stopped pestering him like you’re his great Aunt Ida...

CHARLIE (notices what’s going on with ZOEY at the bar)
Excuse me one second. [stands and walks to the bar]

CJ
Know what I'm saying?

We see ZOEY still surrounded by the FRAT GUYS.

ZOEY
It's Cassandra.

FRAT GUYS
Cassandra! We were gonna guess. You ruined it.

CHARLIE (makes his way through the crowd to ZOEY)
Is everything all right, Zoey?

GUY 2
He just called her Zoey.

CHARLIE
Come on, let's go back to the table.

FRAT GUY 1 (stopping CHARLIE from taking ZOEY’s arm)
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. -  What's up, Sammy?

CHARLIE
Zoey?

ZOEY moves towards CHARLIE again and the FRAT GUYS block her.

FRAT GUY 1
Whoa, excuse me. Ex, excuse me. Hey, we're just trying to buy a girl a drink here, man.

CHARLIE
She's 19 years old, man, you'd have to take her to Maryland.

FRAT GUY 2
Check out Super Fly.

ZOEY
Hey!

CHARLIE (reaching for ZOEY)
Let's go.

The FRAT GUYS block CHARLIE again.

FRAT GUY 1
No. Why don't you go? Alright?

CHARLIE
Look, guys. You don't know who this is, you don't want any trouble. (the FRAT GUYS laugh) Be cool - alright?

FRAT GUY 1
We’re cool.

CHARLIE
Yeah, I'm just sayin’, I'm lookin’ out for you.

FRAT GUY 1
I know what you're saying, you just want me to - be cool, alright?

CHARLIE (smiling)
Can I buy you guys a round?

FRAT GUY 2
Like LL Cool J, man, like Ice T.

FRAT GUY 3
Ice Cube, Ice tray, man.

Back at the table, JOSH can’t let it go.

JOSH
Why must you mock a perfectly natural brotherly instinct -?

SAM sees the situation developing at the bar and stands up, heading for CHARLIE.

CJ
I'm not mocking it, Josh, I'm saying maybe if you left the young man alone -

CJ and JOSH see SAM heading for the bar. They stand.

CJ
Josh?

JOSH
I know. [picks up the panic button and heads towards the bar]

FRAT GUY 1 (still looming over CHARLIE, as the other FRAT GUYS smile and laugh)
Why don't you do some of that hip-hop for us, G-Funk?

FRAT GUY 3
Dr. Huffy Puffy Dread man, Dr. Dolittle, man -

CHARLIE
Would you let us by, please?

FRAT GUY 1
You know, no. You know, what are you doing here with this girl? Huh? Huh? ‘Cause you know what, to me you look to be Dr. Faggot!

SAM
[coming up from behind] Hey! What the hell is going on around here?

FRAT GUY 1 (scoffing)
Who the hell are you?

SAM
Kiss my ass. Zoey?

ZOEY
I'm fine.

FRAT GUY 3
Kiss your what, Fairy Poppins?

SAM
Charlie?

CHARLIE
Everything's fine.

FRAT GUY 1 (to SAM)
Hey, you wanna go?

SAM
What?

GUY 1
You wanna go? Let's do it, right now. Come on.

JOSH
[coming up from behind CHARLIE, jovially] How's everybody doin'?

MALLORY and CJ appear behind JOSH.

FRAT GUY 1
Oh good, more fairy boys.

JOSH
Excuse me?

FRAT GUY 1 (in JOSH’s face)
I said, more fairy boys.

JOSH
Oh, this is too good to be true.

FRAT GUY 3
[indicating JOSH] Hey, I recognize this guy. [indicating ZOEY] Yeah, and she looks familiar, too.

JOSH
Yeah, uh, you guys don't realize it, but you're havin’ a pretty bad night.

FRAT GUY 1
Oh, really -

JOSH
Yeah -

FRAT GUY 1 (cont.)
- and who's gonna give it to us, huh?

The door to the bar bursts open, and several Secret Service AGENTS come bursting in, guns drawn and IDs held high.

AGENT
Federal Agents!

JOSH and SAM raise their arms and point at the FRAT GUYS near the bar. The crowd inside the bar reacts in confusion.

SAM and JOSH
Right here!

There’s shouting and clamor as the AGENTS push the FRAT GUYS against the bar and handcuff them. Another AGENT grabs ZOEY and takes her out of the bar.

AGENT
Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.

FRAT GUY 1
[bent over the bar, getting handcuffed; to CHARLIE] I ain't done with you, Sammy.

CHARLIE (stepping up to get in FRAT GUY 1’s face)
My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball of blow, you're spending spring break in a federal prison.

The AGENTS take the guys out of the bar.

CHARLIE
[to JOSH] Now I'm havin’ a good time.

JOSH
[tossing the panic button in the air] Well, my work here is done.

CUT TO: INT. THE MURAL ROOM – NIGHT

ZOEY is sitting on a couch. BARTLET is standing.

BARTLET
What happened?

ZOEY
They told you what happened.

BARTLET
Did you do anything at all to provoke these guys?

ZOEY
Like what?

BARTLET
Were you flirting with them?

ZOEY
Dad -!

BARTLET
Zoey, you flirt with guys.

ZOEY
Yes, Dad, I am 19 years old. I was not flirting with these guys. And even if I was it certainly wasn't justification for their behavior.

BARTLET
So what were you doing?

ZOEY
I went to the bar to get a drink.

BARTLET
What the hell were you doing drinking?

ZOEY
I was getting a drink for CJ!

BARTLET
I'm gonna up your protection.

ZOEY
No.

BARTLET
Yes.

ZOEY
Dad?!

BARTLET
Starting tomorrow.

ZOEY
I'm starting college in a month!

BARTLET
Well, you'll have plenty of friends to walk you to class.

ZOEY
I don't want this, Dad.

BARTLET
Zoey!

ZOEY
We talked about this. I'm entitled to this part of my life.

BARTLET
You're getting this part of your life.

ZOEY
I'm entitled to a normal -

BARTLET
Oh, please.

ZOEY (standing, upset)
Don't 'oh please' me.

BARTLET
Look, the Secret Service has their hands full -

ZOEY (storming away angrily)
The Secret Service should worry about you getting shot.

BARTLET
They are worried about me getting shot. I'm worried about me getting shot. But that is nothing compared to how terrified we are of you. You scare the hell out of the Secret Service, Zoey, and you scare the hell out of me, too. My getting killed would be bad enough, but that is not the nightmare scenario. The nightmare scenario, sweetheart, is you getting kidnapped. You go out to a bar or a party in some club, and you get up to go to the restroom, somebody comes up from behind, puts their hand across your mouth, and whisks you out the back door. You're so petrified, you don't even notice the bodies of two Secret Service agents lying on the ground with bullet holes in their heads. Then you're whisked away in a car. It's a big party with lots of noise, and lots of people coming and going. And it's a half hour before someone says, 'Hey, where's Zoey?' Another 15 minutes before the first phone call. (shouting now) It’s another hour and a half before anyone even thinks to shut down all the airports. Now we're off to the races. You're tied to a chair in a cargo shack, somewhere in the middle of Uganda. And I am told that I have 72 hours to get Israel to free 460 terrorist prisoners. So I'm on the phone pleading with Ben Yahbin and he's saying, 'I'm sorry Mr. President, but Israel simply does not negotiate with terrorists, period. It's the only way we can survive.' So now we've got a new problem, because this country no longer has a Commander in Chief, it has a father who's out of his mind because his little girl is in a shack somewhere in Uganda with a gun to her head! DO YOU GET IT?!

ZOEY (scared)
Yes.

BARTLET
[long pause] I'm sorry I yelled, sweetheart. Forgive me. Honey, I, I want you to have your freedom and your youth. I want you to have common everyday experiences with girls your own age. But don't ever forget, this is a privilege - and it is an experience that must be cherished beyond measure. And proper protection and security, though at times I admit, it's a drag, is never too high a price to pay.

ZOEY
You're right, I'm sorry.

BARTLET (as he and ZOEY hug)
It's alright, sweetheart. It's alright.

BARTLET kisses ZOEY's forehead.

ZOEY
Goodnight.

BARTLET
Goodnight, sweetheart. I love you.

ZOEY
I love you, too.

CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE – NIGHT

LEO is sitting on the couch in his office, apparently doing the newspaper crossword, when BARTLET enters.

BARTLET
Don't get up -

LEO
Good evening, Mr. President.

BARTLET
Hi. Uh, before, when I was being an idiot, there was something I forgot to say.

LEO
What?

BARTLET
I'm sorry.

LEO
Thank you.

BARTLET
I would like unanimous consent to revise and extend my remarks.

LEO
Without objection.

BARTLET
I don't know what the hell was the matter with me, Leo. If there's anything I can do to help – anything ...

LEO
Thanks.

CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM – NIGHT

JOSH, CHARLIE, and SAM are sitting around the table.

JOSH (to SAM)
Let me tell you something, I could have taken the two guys on the left.

SAM
Those were my guys.

JOSH
Which guys?

SAM
The guys on the left.

JOSH
The guys on the left as you're facing the bar?

SAM
Yeah. No. No. So you're me, I’m facing toward the bar?

DONNA enters with a box of food.

JOSH
Right.

DONNA
[putting the box and napkins on the table] Sandwiches.

JOSH
Thank you, Donna. Defending virtue is hungry work.

DONNA (turning to leave)
I'll be at my desk.

JOSH
Ah, Donna?

DONNA (stopping)
Yes?

JOSH
How much were the sandwiches?

DONNA
$12.95.

JOSH
I gave you a twenty!

DONNA
Yes. As it turns out you actually gave me more money than I needed to buy what you asked for. However, knowing you as I do, I'm afraid I can't trust you to spend the change wisely. I've decided to invest it for you.

JOSH
That was nice. That was a little parable.

DONNA
I want my money back. [leaves]

SAM
Yeah, so those were my guys.

JOSH
Okay, there's the one guy with the blonde hair?

SAM
Facing away from the bar?

CHARLIE (exasperated with the entire conversation)
There were no two guys that either one of you could have taken.

JOSH and SAM look at CHARLIE. BARTLET opens a door and calls.

BARTLET
Josh?

JOSH
Yes, sir.

JOSH stands and goes into LEO'S OFFICE.

BARTLET
What were you doing taking my daughter out to a bar?

JOSH
[pause] You told me to, sir.

BARTLET
I told you to take Charlie. When Zoey said she was going I just assumed you were gonna go have malteds or something.

JOSH
Malteds, sir?

BARTLET
Yes.

JOSH
What is this? Our Town?

BARTLET (stares)
Well, anyway. Thank you for doing whatever it was you did.

JOSH
A matter of fact, I didn't do anything. But - for what it's worth I should tell you that Charlie didn't blink before he put his body between danger and Zoey.

BARTLET
[opens the door] Charlie? Uh, Sam, you come too, please.

BARTLET
[to JOSH] You know, I once played the Stage Manager in a production of Our Town.

CHARLIE and SAM enter the office.

BARTLET
Charlie- (shakes hands) You a good poker player?

CHARLIE
No, sir.

BARTLET
Excellent, get your money out and take a seat.

CJ
[enters] Is Josh being punished?

BARTLET
Punished? No.

CJ
May I ask why not?

BARTLET
Because I said so.

MANDY and TOBY enter.

BARTLET
Good evening.

TOBY and MANDY
Good evening, sir. Mr. President.

BARTLET
Good work, both of you. You bought us some time.

MANDY
Thank you, sir.

TOBY
I understand you all had a very interesting evening.

JOSH
Yes.

TOBY
So did I.

JOSH
What happened?

TOBY
I met an unusual man.

BARTLET
CJ, deal the cards.

TOBY
He didn't walk into the room with a political agenda. He didn't walk in with his mind made up. He genuinely wanted to do what he thought was best. He didn't mind saying the words, ‘I don't know.’

CJ
I said ‘I don't know’ to Sam just this morning and I'd like to say I'm a better person for it. By the way, I now know everything there is to know about the census. Go ahead, you can ask me anything.

BARTLET
How many people live in the United States?

CJ stares levelly at BARTLET, then turns her glare to SAM.

SAM
There is some material we haven't covered yet.

The group laughs. Everyone is now seated at the table except TOBY, who is watching the TV in the corner of the office.

JOSH
Come on, Toby. Sit down.

TOBY
I just want to watch this.

LEO
We won it 40 votes ago.

TOBY
I just want to hear this one.

The TV is on C-SPAN coverage of the House appropriations bill vote.

ROLL CALL [VO, on TV]
Mr. Widen. Mr. Widen of Pennsylvania votes yea... Mr. Wilder. Mr. Wilder of South Carolina votes yea... Mr. Willis. Mr. Willis of Ohio votes yea.

TOBY lets out a sigh of satisfaction as the roll call continues.

ROLL CALL [cont.]
Mr. Zantowski. Mr. Zantowski of -

DISSOLVE TO: END CREDITS.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
* * *


The West Wing and all its characters are properties of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Productions, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended.

Episode 1x6 - Mr. Willis of Ohio
Original Airdate: November 3, 1999, 9:00 PM EST
 

WEST WING TRANSCRIPT: Season One - The Crackpots And These Women (S1E5)

THE WEST WING
1x5 - “THE CRACKPOTS AND THESE WOMEN”
WRITTEN BY AARON SORKIN
DIRECTED BY ANTHONY DRAZAN

Transcript by: giorgio

Edited and formatted by Walking, Talking and Yelling At Clouds (kegofglory.blogspot.com)

Link To My Blog Post For This Episode


TEASER

THE CRACKPOTS AND THESE WOMEN

FADE IN: EXT. PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, OUTSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE – NIGHT

A basketball hoop has been set up on Pennsylvania Avenue between the White House and Lafayette Park. We see BARTLET playing a game of 3 on 3 basketball with a few of the White House staffers, including TOBY, JOSH and CHARLIE. Surrounding the court are Secret Service Agents. We hear the basketball bouncing.

JOSH [VO]
Oh, man. I'm sorry.

TOBY takes BARTLET to the low post, shoots over him, and banks the ball in off the backboard.

JOSH
Oh yeah!

CHARLIE (as some of the players applaud)
That's how you do it now.

TOBY (bouncing the basketball)
Game point.

CHARLIE
Mr. President, you look a little winded.

BARTLET, with hands on his knees, tries to catch his breath.

BARTLET
I'm fine.

CHARLIE
Ah, maybe you want to sit out for a minute, sir.

BARTLET
Why would I want to do that?

JOSH
‘Cause people are bound to be pretty upset when they find out we killed the President.

TOBY
Sit down, sir.

BARTLET
All right, game point. Let's go.

JOSH
Sir...

BARTLET
I'm playing.

TOBY
Mr. President, there's no shame in calling it quits. All you have to do is say, 'Toby, you're the superior athlete,' and slink on off the court.

BARTLET
Take the ball out, Toby.

TOBY
You're really going to keep playing?

BARTLET
Take the ball out. Let's go.

TOBY
Oh, this is perfect, you know that? This is a perfect metaphor. After you're gone, and the poets write, The Legend of Josiah Bartlet, let them write you as a tragic figure, sir. Let the poets write that he had the tools for greatness, but the voices of his better angels were shouted down by his obsessive need to win.

BARTLET
You want to play or write my eulogy?

TOBY
Can I be honest with you, sir?

BARTLET
Mr. Grant!

BARTLET waves to a car on the sidelines. TOBY, JOSH, and CHARLIE watch as a Secret Service Agent opens a side door of the car and out comes a very tall athletic-looking man. GRANT high-fives one of the players on BARTLET’s team, fist-bumps another, then approaches BARTLET and shakes his hand.

JOSH
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's this?

BARTLET
I'm making a substitution.

TOBY
Who is this guy?

BARTLET
Mr. Grant's a new member of my team.

TOBY
A ringer, perhaps?

BARTLET
Mr. Grant is a federal employee.

TOBY
You know the thing about you, Mr. President? It isn't so much that you cheat. It's how brazenly bad you are at it.

BARTLET
I beg your pardon?

JOSH
Toby's got a point there, sir.

BARTLET
When have I ever cheated?

TOBY (as JOSH guffaws)
How about in Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and CJ. You tried to tell us that your partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna -

BARTLET
And she did!

TOBY
It was Steffi Graf, sir!

BARTLET
Well, I will admit that the woman bore a striking resemblance -

TOBY
It was Steffi Graf! You crazy lunatic! You think I'm not gonna recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?

JOSH
Steffi Graf's won quite a few championships, sir. We've had many opportunities to see photographs.

BARTLET
Be that as it may - Toby Ziegler, Josh Lyman, Charlie Young. I would like to introduce Mr. Rodney Grant. Mr. Grant is Associate Director of the President's Council on Physical Fitness. Game point. Your ball. Let's go!

TOBY
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

BARTLET
What?

TOBY
Not so fast.

BARTLET
What's the problem?

TOBY
Mr. Grant, your name sounds awfully familiar - Before you joined up with the President's Council on Physical Fitness, a council, I might add, the President would do well to avail himself of - Is it possible, that you played some organized ball?

GRANT
Yeah, I used to play a little with my friends.

TOBY
And where was that?

GRANT
Sorry?

TOBY
Where would that be?

GRANT
Duke.

TOBY and JOSH laugh out loud, while CHARLIE looks at GRANT.

TOBY
This guy was in the Final Four!

BARTLET
Take the ball out, Toby. Game point. Let's go.

TOBY
Alright.

BARTLET
The new man.

TOBY
[to GRANT] I'm taking you to the hole.

TOBY dribbles the ball into the low post. GRANT guards him. BARTLET is guarding JOSH on
the other end of the court. TOBY tries to shoot the ball.

JOSH
You got it!

GRANT, with quick reflexes, blocks the ball hard, making it go out of bounds. TOBY almost falls down.

TOBY
Oh!

BARTLET
Let the poets write about that there, Byron.

BARTLET and GRANT exchange high-fives.

TOBY
Charlie, guard the new guy.

CHARLIE walks in front of GRANT and stares at him.

SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES.
END TEASER
* * *

ACT ONE

FADE IN: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY

DONNA appears at JOSH’s doorway as he exits.

DONNA
You have a staff meeting.

JOSH (as they continue down the hall)
That's - where I'm going.

DONNA
I'm just telling you.

JOSH
Yes, but you see that's obviously where I'm going, and yet you tell me anyway.

DONNA
And you don't find that adorable?

JOSH
That you seek to control me?

DONNA
Yeah.

JOSH
Love it.

DONNA
Donald hasn't called me yet.

JOSH
Who's Donald?

DONNA
Donald?

JOSH
Yes.

DONNA
From the thing?

JOSH
Right. [stops by a side table to get coffee] Can we clear up a few things about my level of interest in the revolving door of local gomers that you see, in the free time you create by not working very hard at your job?

DONNA
Excuse me?

JOSH
You work hard at your job.

DONNA
How hard?

JOSH
Very hard.

DONNA
And I am?

JOSH
Not at all controlling.

DONNA
Thank you. You have a staff meeting.

JOSH
On my way.

JOSH walks on towards the door, and stops and turns back as he hears DONNA's voice again.

DONNA
Wait, uh, there's another thing.

JOSH
What?

DONNA
Hang on.

JOSH
Donna?

DONNA
Hang on. [takes out a note from a folder] Here it is. Leo wants you to meet someone named Lacey from the National Security Council in his office after staff.

JOSH
Thank you. [takes the note, continues on his way, and walks out the door]

DONNA
What do you think it's about?

JOSH
I don't know, but this is the White House, so it's probably not that important.

CJ quickly walks past DONNA and catches up with JOSH.

CJ
Josh!

JOSH
Ma'am.

CJ
There's an article I want you to read in The New Yorker.

JOSH
What's it about?

CJ
Smallpox.

JOSH
The disease?

CJ
No, the dessert topping, Josh.

JOSH
Okay.

CJ
Yes, the disease.

CUT TO: INT. ROOSEVELT ROOM - CONTINUOUS

We see some of White House staffers seated around the table, including TOBY, MANDY, SAM, CATHY and MARGARET.

MARGARET
We do it on the first of every month.

CATHY
We've missed a few months.

SAM
But, generally speaking, we try to do it on the first of every month.

TOBY
We've done it twice in 12 months.

SAM
We're a little behind.

MANDY
I still don't know what we're talking about.

TOBY
It's 'Throw Open Our Office Doors To People Who Want To Discuss Things That We Could Care Less About... Day'

MANDY
Well, that sounds goofy, doesn't it?

SAM
It's not so bad. You talk to ‘em for a minute. You give ‘em a souvenir pen with the Presidential seal on it.

MANDY
This isn't a waste of time?

MARGARET
Oh, it's definitely a waste of time, but it's one of Leo's pet office policies.

MANDY
Why?

LEO
[walks in] Good morning.

TOBY
[whispers to MANDY] Sadly you're about to find out.

LEO
Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.

TOBY
Hmmm.

Some of the White House staffers giggle lightly.

LEO
I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I am preparing appropriate retribution. [beat] The block of cheese was huge — over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.

TOBY
Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?

LEO
We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.

SAM
Actually, right now, you're talking about a big block of cheese.

LEO
And Sam goes on my list!

SAM
What about Toby?

LEO
I'm unpredictable. [beat] Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.

MANDY
And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.

LEO
It is in that spirit -

SAM
Hang on. Mandy doesn't go on the list?

LEO
Mandy's new.

SAM
So it's just me, on, on the list?

LEO
Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. [beat] I know the more jaded among you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the people’s servants.

JOSH
[walks in with CJ] Sorry, we're late. Is it 'Total Crackpot Day' again?

LEO
Yes, it is.

SAM
And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list.

LEO
[to JOSH] Actually you've got a thing right now.

JOSH
Yeah, I know. Donna told me.

LEO
Margaret, hand out those appointments would you?

JOSH walks out with LEO from the Roosevelt Room into the HALLWAY.

JOSH
What's up?

LEO
First of all - [smacks JOSH in the head]

JOSH
Ow!

LEO
That's for 'Total Crackpot Day.'

JOSH (chuckling)
Yeah, yeah.

They enter LEO'S OFFICE. Standing in the middle of the room is JONATHAN LACEY. JOSH offers his hand.

LEO
Second of all, this is Jonathan Lacey.

JOSH
Josh Lyman.

LACEY
Good to meet you. [points at the door] Mr. McGarry, would you mind?

LEO closes the door and stands behind JOSH.

LACEY
[to LEO] Thanks. [to JOSH, as he opens up a folder and gets a laminated card out of a small envelope] I only have a few moments. I know you're busy too.

JOSH
What can I do for you?

LACEY hands the laminated card to JOSH.

LACEY
I'd like you to keep this card on your person at all times. If you keep it in your wallet and you lose your wallet, your first call isn't to American Express. It's to us.

JOSH
[looking at the card] Who's us?

LACEY
I'm sorry. I thought you knew. I'm with the NSC.

JOSH
[still looking the card] They told me that a minute, uh, what's the card do?

LACEY
Tells you where to go in the event of a nuclear attack.

JOSH
[looks up, takes a beat] You're kidding me.

LACEY
Obviously, we want to get everyone up on Air Force One or into one of the underground command centers as quickly as possible.

JOSH
[confused, uneasy] Sure, well, um – (long pause) Okay, I, I really, um, I don't know what to say.

LEO
[to LACEY] I guess that's it then?

LACEY
Well, should you have any questions, you should feel free to call.

JOSH
Sure … Sure, and, and, and my staff goes with me or do they have separate...?

A long silence fills the room. LACEY looks at LEO, who looks away.

JOSH
[realizing] Oh, God! Sorry, you know what? I just got it. Sorry – Ok – sure, I’ll just - [takes out wallet] I'm just gonna stick this (takes a breath) right here right next to my, uh, my video club membership and there's no reason, I guess, why my staff ever has to know anything about it. So there it is. [puts wallet back in pocket] And I think the best thing to do is just forget all about it. I'll go now.

LEO opens the door. JOSH takes a last look at LACEY, walks out and sees White House staffers passing through the hallways. He looks left, looks right, looks left, looks right again, and walks away.

FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
* * *

ACT TWO

FADE IN: INT. PRESS BRIEFING ROOM – DAY

The senior staff are preparing the President for a press conference. SAM, MANDY, and LEO are sitting in the blue chairs in the room, while TOBY is walking around in the aisle. MRS. LANDINGHAM carefully watches BARTLET as he walks left and right behind the briefing room's podium, looking at a bunch of papers through his glasses.

SAM
Last week's rise in the Producers’ Price Index coupled with the increasingly tight labor market have sparked a growing concern over future inflation. Do you share that concern, sir?

BARTLET
No, Helen, I don't. The US economy is fundamentally -

SAM
Ah! I, I wasn't Helen there, sir. Actually, I was Sandy King.

BARTLET
From the, uh, Miami Herald?

SAM
She moved to the Sun-Times.

BARTLET
But, your voice sounded the same as when you did Helen.

SAM
Do you share that concern, sir?

BARTLET
No, not at all. The US economy remains fundamentally strong as the steady decline in unemployment reflects, which I think is cause for satisfaction, not gloom. The solitary aberrant spike in the PPI is not cause for overreaction.

SAM
You might also want to point out that there's been no corresponding increase in wholesale prices.

MANDY
Yeah, so Mr. President, if you could further see clear to not answer that question like an economics professor with a big old stick up his butt, that would be good too.

BARTLET
I am an economics professor with a big old stick up my butt, but I'll do my best for you there, Mandy.

MANDY (chuckling)
Thank you, sir.

SAM
[to TOBY] That's it for the economy.

TOBY
All right, let's move to guns.

BARTLET
We don't need to do guns.

TOBY
Sir, they are absolutely gonna ask about guns.

BARTLET
I'm not saying they're not gonna ask about ‘em, Toby, I'm saying I'm all set.

TOBY
How 'bout one or two questions, Mr. President?

BARTLET
[looks at watch] Is it time for my 10 AM scolding?

LEO
Are we gonna have this argument again?

TOBY
[with hand raised a little] Mr. President -

BARTLET
Let's do guns.

TOBY
Sir -

BARTLET
Let's do guns, Sam.

TOBY drops his hand, looks at BARTLET and continues to pace the aisle.

SAM
Mr. President, is there any reason to believe this victory, this weapons ban bill, will have any significant reduction in crime -?

BARTLET
Yes, next question.

TOBY
Mr. President -

BARTLET
Ah! Mr. Ziegler from the Coney Island Killjoy. You have a follow up?

BARTLET picks up the cup beside the microphone in the podium, finding it empty, puts it back. MRS. LANDINGHAM gets up from her chair and walks to the podium.

TOBY
You're gonna take that question. We're lucky enough to get the question, you're gonna take it and blow it off?

BARTLET
Yes.

TOBY
Due, due respect, sir, may I ask why?

MRS. LANDINGHAM takes the cup from the podium and starts to walk out through the back exit.

BARTLET
'Cause I'm weak-willed and stupid.

LEO
Let's do this another time.

TOBY
Four days ago, sir, we, we talked this over.

BARTLET
And then I talked it over with some other people.

TOBY
Which people?

BARTLET
I have lots of other people.

TOBY
Sir, I believe we are missing a huge opportunity here...

TOBY and BARTLET continue to fight in the background. In the rear of the BRIEFING ROOM, in the reporters’ office, we see JOSH standing by the door staring through space. CJ walks past him. She notices him and looks back.

CJ
What's going on?

JOSH
Hmm?

CJ
What's going on?

JOSH
Oh, we're doing the thing.

CJ
Why aren't you in there?

JOSH
Um, I was just going in.

MRS. LANDINGHAM, coming from the Briefing Room, walks behind CJ with BARTLET's cup in her hand.

CJ
Good morning, Mrs. Landingham. Where are we in the saga of Toby and the President?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
They seem to be having a disagreement.

CJ
A disagreement or a fight?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Well, it certainly has the potential -

BARTLET [VO, in background]
[shouts] Oh, for God's sakes, Toby!

MRS. LANDINGHAM
There we go.

MRS. LANDINGHAM walks out the door. CJ looks at JOSH, who is still staring into space.

CJ
[to JOSH] Let's go in. [beat] Josh!

JOSH
Hmm?

CJ
Let's go in. [walks inside with JOSH]

TOBY
Sir -

BARTLET
I'm not gonna come out and say the bill we just passed is worthless.

TOBY
If we can just admit its weaknesses -

MANDY
Toby -

TOBY
Why not?

MANDY
It’ll infuriate the left, it’ll energize the right and everyone in the middle’s gonna feel like they just got yanked around...I'm sorry, Mr. President, did you want to answer that?

BARTLET
Yeah, my answer was gonna be 'because I said so,' but you did pretty good.

MANDY
Say nothing of taking a victory and declaring defeat.

SAM
Yes.

MANDY
Look, Toby, by changing some words -

TOBY
By changing some words, the world can move or not by changing some words.

BARTLET
What's your point?

TOBY
I have many points, sir. I choose not to make them right now.

BARTLET
[eating a bagel] Well, on behalf of everybody in the West Wing, Toby, let me just say that that's a relief.

CATHY, standing behind JOSH and CJ has just delivered a message for SAM.

SAM
Excuse me, Leo.

LEO
Yes?

SAM
Cathy tells me my first 'cheese' appointment is here, but I think preparing the President for this press conference should be a priority.

CJ
I agree.

LEO
No.

CJ
Leo, it -

LEO
No!

SAM
But I really need to get -

LEO
You're not getting out of these appointments.

CJ
This is a very important press conference.

LEO
This is a thoroughly unimportant press conference.

SAM
I think this press conference is about our future.

BARTLET
[still eating] I think this press conference is about we haven't had a press conference in a while.

LEO
Sam, go.

CHARLIE
[walks in] Mr. President? [points at his watch]

BARTLET
We're going, too.

TOBY
Sir -

LEO
[to TOBY] We'll pick this up this afternoon.

CUT TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE – DAY

SAM just came in to his office. He sees a man, BOB ENGLER, sitting in a chair beside the door.

SAM
So, you are from United States Space Command?

BOB
Yeah, not a lot of people know about us.

SAM
This is my first time.

BOB
We're a little nerdy, I'll admit.

SAM
You camouflage it well with your clothing.

BOB (wryly)
I'm used to that, Sam.

SAM
What can I do for you, Bob?

BOB
In a nutshell?

SAM
So to speak.

BOB
We'd like the White House to pay a little more attention to UFOs.

SAM
Are we paying any attention at all right now?

BOB
No.

SAM
Thank God. Like we don't have enough trouble with the First Lady and her Ouija board.

BOB (standing, handing a binder to SAM)
I would like you to show the President some data we've collected on some possible extraterrestrial contact.

SAM
I really can't do that.

BOB
May I ask why not?

SAM
Because the President will either yell at me or laugh at me. Either way, it won't work out well for me.

BOB
This morning at 6:35 AM local time, air traffic control in Honolulu picked up an unidentified flying object flying east across the Pacific towards California. Air Force and Navy jets have been in the area for hours and have been unable to establish visual contact. These things happen and go unexplained. You don't think this is something you should take to the President?

SAM
No.

BOB
Again, may I ask why not?

SAM
Because there are levels and an order to our air defense command, and to jump from a radar officer to the Commander-in-Chief would skip several of those levels.

BOB
Like what?

SAM
Like the Pentagon, and, you know, perhaps, therapy.

BOB
Okay, I can see that.

SAM
Bob, no hard feelings, but I can't walk into the Cabinet Room and ask the President to put down the budget surplus because there are flying saucers over Maui.

BOB
Something's heading east in the sky over the Pacific. It's in and out of our radar. We can't see it, and it's up there right now. I leave you with that thought.

SAM
It's been good meeting with you, and I hope that you don't feel that you've wasted your time. I leave you with this pen. [holding up a pen with a Presidential seal on it]

CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY – DAY

CJ and MANDY walk out of the Press Room. CJ carries and places some papers from different places as she walks.

MANDY
I know the President is not wild about Larry Posner's fundraiser on the California trip, but I think we can't pass. And I want to know where you are on this.

CJ
You don't have to worry about me on Hollywood fundraisers. You have to worry about Toby.

MANDY
I know. That's why I'm shoring up support.

CJ
I'm in.

CJ walks in the secretaries' bullpen. The confused MANDY passes outside the bullpen, sees CJ through the glass, and walks back to enter the bullpen.

MANDY
They sent pictures of the Malibu place. It's great.

CJ
This wasn't the one we used during the primary?

MANDY
No, he bought another place.

CJ
Where was the one where Roberto Benigni pushed me into the swimming pool?

MANDY
That’s Larry Posner's house, but that was the old place. CJ - if it gets a vote then isn't it worth it?

CJ (looking over the TV monitors showing news channels)
Which would be fine if Roberto Benigni could vote in our elections, but since he's Italian, that makes me a six-foot wet girl in a Donna Karan dress.

CUT TO: INT. ROOSEVELT ROOM – DAY

BARTLET and LEO are meeting with a group of economic advisers.

LEO
I'm the only one in the room who isn't an economist, but it seems to me that the annual budget for the new fiscal year is found either in balance, in deficit, or in surplus. I don't know how I can sell Congress, to say nothing of people who graduated eighth grade, on the idea that there's anything in between.

BARTLET
Leo's not talking about the portion being accounted for as off-budget and particularly not the long-term capital outlays.

LEO
[points at BARTLET] Here's where you lose me.

BARTLET
Ten years ago, the federal budget had a deficit of $22 billion but the national debt rose -

CHARLIE walks in the door behind BARTLET.

BARTLET [cont.]
- from 5.2 trillion to 5.4 trillion in the same fiscal year.

CHARLIE gives BARTLET the note in his hand.

BARTLET [cont.]
Thank you. That's a debt increase of $188 billion against a $22 billion deficit. [reads note] Oh, this is good news.

WOMAN (impressed)
[to BARTLET] You knew those numbers in your head?

LEO
The President's startlingly freakish that way.

BARTLET
[to LEO] Zoey's coming for dinner.

LEO
She's in town?

BARTLET
Yeah. [to everyone in room] My daughter's starting Georgetown after the first and she's scouting off-campus housing. Guys, we're done. I'm sorry, but some of my staff has been waiting and they haven't had the chance to bother me for a couple of hours. Thanks so much.

BARTLET and LEO come out of the ROOSEVELT ROOM and walk into the outer office of the Oval.

BARTLET
I'm gonna make chili!

LEO
Yes.

BARTLET
I'll make it for everybody. (shouting) Charlie!

LEO
Sir -?

BARTLET
My friends, my daughter, my beer, and some chili. Yes!

LEO
And you're gonna be the one to, you know, cook this food?

They enter THE OVAL OFFICE. CHARLIE comes from behind them.

CHARLIE
Yes, sir?

BARTLET
Ah, Charlie. My youngest daughter, Zoey, is down from Hanover. I'm making chili tonight. It's her favorite.

CHARLIE
Uh, sir, you know the First Lady does not want you to eat -

BARTLET
The First Lady's in Pakistan. I can eat whatever I want.

CHARLIE
Yes, sir.

BARTLET
I'm gonna need some ingredients.

CHARLIE
Like what?

LEO
Well, he'll need some chili.

BARTLET
Don't ever listen to him. Look, Mrs. Landingham's got it all written down somewhere. Just tell her to give it to the steward's office.

CHARLIE
Okay.

BARTLET (cont.)
And send everyone else in.

CHARLIE
Yes, sir. [walks off]

BARTLET
Thank you, Charlie!

LEO
How could you possibly remember that ten years ago there was a $188 billion debt increase off a $22 billion deficit?

BARTLET
[hand on chest] God, I was right?

LEO
Ah, that's what I thought.

BARTLET laughs and LEO smiles. The senior staff walk in.

BARTLET
Everyone! Come in! Come on in. Hey, listen up, everybody. Zoey's down from Hanover, I'm making chili for everyone tonight.

SENIOR STAFF
[very weak and uninterested] Great. Okay. Chili. Great.

BARTLET
[looks at LEO then to his staff] All right, uh, you know what? Let's do this. Everybody look down at the big seal in the middle of my carpet.

They all look down at the Presidential seal on the carpet in the middle of the room.

BARTLET
Now, everybody look back up at me. Zoey's coming down from Hanover and I'm making chili for everyone tonight.

SENIOR STAFF
[loud and very excited] That's great! I love chili! Terrific!

BARTLET
There, you see how benevolent I can be, when everybody does what I tell ‘em to do. Now sit down. [picks up a newspaper and reads. Everyone else sits down.]

LEO
I would like this meeting to last no more than three minutes. I will allow it to last no more than five. Speak, Mandy.

MANDY
We're going to California in a few weeks.

LEO
Yes.

MANDY
Larry Posner would like to host a fundraiser.

TOBY
Nope.

MANDY
Why?

TOBY
'Cause 24 hours earlier the President's gonna give a speech to the entertainment industry on violence in film and television.

SAM
A speech I don't think he should be giving.

TOBY
That's besides the point.

MANDY
What's the point?

TOBY
Larry Posner's movies are incredibly violent.

SAM
So is The Godfather. What you mean to say is Larry Posner's movies are incredibly bad.

TOBY
No, actually, what I mean to say is Larry Posner's movies are indicative of a Hollywood that is excessively violent, arrogantly violent, and is promoting violence and the disrespect to human life. Either way, I don't see how we can admonish Hollywood on a Tuesday and cash their check on a Wednesday. How can we do that?

BARTLET
[still reading] ‘Cause it's Hollywood. Who gives a damn?

TOBY (beat)
Now, hang on a second, Mr. President. You have me drafting a speech for the entertainment industry, where we more than suggest, we come right out and say that much of their product is corruptive. Now are, are we doing this because we believe that it's time for them to take moral leadership seriously or are we doing it because nobody ever lost an election attacking Hollywood?

BARTLET
Why can't we do both?

TOBY
[sighs] It's not hypocritical, sir?

BARTLET
No.

TOBY
Why not?

BARTLET
Because Sam is right. It's not that Larry Posner's movies have gratuitous sex and gratuitous violence. It's that they suck. They're terrible. But people go to see them because they have gratuitous sex and gratuitous violence. Now, if we could just get people to stop going to see crappy movies, Posner’d stop making ‘em, I promise you.

TOBY
How's that strategy working for us in the war on drugs, sir?

LEO
Toby -

TOBY
We are going to go out there and implore these people to step up to the plate and not be quite so casual with the awesome influence that they have. That's fantastic. But, sir, every time someone makes headlines by blowing thunder at this ridiculous target, it only serves as a criminal distraction in the pursuit of actual solutions. Now, let me, let me just say one other thing. If I were an actor, or a writer, or a director, or a, a, a producer in Hollywood and someone would start coming at me with lists of things that were American and un-American, I'd start to think that this was sounding eerily familiar.

BARTLET
[stares at TOBY] Do I look like Joe McCarthy to you, Toby?

TOBY
No, sir. Nobody ever looks like Joe McCarthy. That's how they get in the door in the first place.

CJ
We seem to have - wandered off the point a bit.

LEO
Yeah. And time's up.

Everyone stands up and walks out the door. TOBY touches his head in frustration.

CJ
Thank you, Mr. President.

BARTLET
Chili, tonight!

JOSH
Yes, sir.

MANDY
Thank you.

Out in the HALLWAY, SAM and JOSH walk out of the Oval Office. SAM looks at JOSH and notices something.

SAM
You okay?

JOSH
Yeah.

SAM
'Cause you look a little, you know -

JOSH
No. No.

SAM
Cathy?

CATHY
[walks up with mouth full] You know that doughnut sitting on your desk?

SAM
You ate it.

CATHY
That was predictable, wasn't it?

They enter the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE. SAM whispers something to CATHY.

SAM
Hey, is there any word yet on the...

CATHY
The thing's still out there.

SAM
[to JOSH] Had a guy on my office today. He'd like us to spend a little more time working on UFOs.

JOSH walks into SAM'S OFFICE. SAM follows.

JOSH
We spending any time working on UFOs?

SAM
That's what I said.

JOSH
'Cause coming on the heels of Mrs. Bartlet's Ouija board -

SAM
I hear you.

JOSH
I'm closing the door. [looks out and closes the door]

SAM
The Central Pacific Command's been picking this thing up on radar all day -

JOSH
Sam?

SAM
Right.

JOSH (beat)
Listen ... you're close with Cathy, right?

SAM
I haven't seen her naked, if that's what you're asking.

JOSH
[surprised] No, Sam. Wow, that's not what I'm asking -

SAM
I mean, she's like my younger sister, but she gets paid, and -

JOSH
Right -

SAM
And, and she frightens me.

JOSH
Yes.

SAM
But, I love her.

JOSH
Yeah.

SAM
It's like you and Donna.

JOSH
Right. [beat] When they gave you the card and they told you - that it was just you and not Cathy, how did you – (takes a breath) how'd you feel about that?

SAM
When they gave me what card?

JOSH
The NSC guy, the card with the directions.

SAM
The directions to -

JOSH
You, CJ, Toby. I, I'm saying when the NSC guy gave you your cards.

A long pause.

SAM (smiling in confusion)
Josh, what card?

JOSH
[a moment passes as he realizes] Nothing... I-I-I was thinking of a different... nothing. Nothing. [opens the door and walks away]

FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *

ACT THREE

FADE IN: INT. ROOSEVELT ROOM – DAY

A white screen is set, showing some video. Some placards are set up on tripods. The placards and the screen are embellished with a large ‘Pluie.’ A woman, MARGE, sitting at her laptop at the table, is running the video. Two men, JERRY and LOOMIS, one on each side of the screen, start to talk to CJ, who is sitting at the other end of the table.

LOOMIS
CJ, we'd like to tell you the story of Pluie.

CJ
Who's Pluie?

LOOMIS
I'm glad you asked.

On the screen the video shows a wolf behind the word ‘Pluie’.

CJ
That's Pluie.

LOOMIS
Yes.

CJ
Pluie's a wolf?

LOOMIS
Yeah, she is.

CJ
And you're gonna tell me her story? [smiles]

LOOMIS
Jerry?

JERRY (as the screen shows details of the story being told)
For four years, scientists have tracked Pluie as she made her way from Banff National Park in Alberta up and down the Rockies. In that time, she's made three round trips between Canada and Wyoming covering 40,000 square miles.

LOOMIS
We think you'll admit it was a pretty impressive performance for Pluie, especially when you consider the impediments of modern life she had to conquer: (the screen shows video depicting LOOMIS’ descriptions) highways, housing, forests denuded of trees.

MARGE
Not to mention the US-Canadian border.

CJ
Sure, 'cause no photo ID. [laughs]

MARGE (impassively)
I'm sorry?

CJ
That was a joke.

LOOMIS
Why does Pluie make the trek? Because wolves have to breed with many packs in order to keep from becoming extinct.

CJ
Really?

LOOMIS
If they breed among themselves, they'll eventually produce offspring that's genetically weaker, thus endangering their long-term survival.

CJ
That helps explain Buckingham Palace. [laughs]

JERRY
May we tell you what we propose?

CJ
Sure.

LOOMIS (as the screen shows the proposal)
The wolves-only roadway.

CJ
[surprised] The wolves-only roadway?

LOOMIS (with a map of Yellowstone National Park being shown)
Eighteen hundred miles from Yellowstone to the Yukon Territory complete with highway overpasses and no cattle grazing.

CJ
[still surprised] An 1800-mile wolves-only roadway?

MARGE
Pluie, you'll recall, had to -

CJ
Hang on. How are you gonna teach wolves to follow road signs?

JERRY
Our scientists are working on a plan.

CJ
Yeah, but in the meantime, Pluie's gonna get drunk and wander off the wolves-only road and end up eating my cat.

MARGE stares at CJ.

LOOMIS
[scoffs] We don't think that'll happen.

CJ
I don't think this is gonna happen. [indicating the roadway]

JERRY
Perhaps, we should -

CJ
First of all, ranchers don't want wolves returned to the West.

LOOMIS
Ranchers are killers.

CJ
No, they're not. And anyone who says it should take it back. Ranchers face the following conditions: falling stock prices, rising taxes, prolonged drought, and a, a country that's eating less beef. Ranchers want to blame something, and because they're ranchers, they want to fight something. I'd rather it be a wolf than us, so unless Pluie registers to vote -

MARGE (emotionally)
Pluie was shot and killed by a rancher in British Columbia last month.

The two men and the woman bow down their heads.

CJ
I'm... sorry to hear that.

MARGE (staring back at CJ)
I'm not sure you are.

CJ
[throat clearing] Just out of curiosity, how much would it cost?

LOOMIS
That's the beauty part. With contributions and corporate sponsorship, the cost of the taxpayer is only $900 million.

CJ
[laughs very hard] No, seriously, how much would it cost?

JERRY
CJ, if we're gonna do this, why not do it right?

CJ
We're not gonna do it.

LOOMIS
Sure, there are other things we could spend the money on.

CJ
You think?

MARGE
I'd like to hear what you think. What's a better way to spend this money?

CJ
Nine hundred million dollars?

MARGE
Another war plane, another S&L bailout?

CJ
How about we build the nine best schools in the world?

LOOMIS
Let's... Let's move on to the grizzly bear.

CJ looks as a grizzly bear and the title ‘Bonnie’ appear on the screen.

CUT TO: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

MANDY knocks at TOBY's door. TOBY, seated at his couch, looks at her and looks back at the papers he's reading.

MANDY
Hi. [leans at door]

TOBY
Hi.

MANDY
Can I talk to you?

TOBY
What'd you get him, a spot on Hollywood Squares?

MANDY
Posner's a huge supporter, Toby. I don't have to tell you that.

TOBY
No, you don't.

MANDY
I came in here to be nice to you, Toby.

TOBY
Go ahead.

MANDY
I don't like going up against you.

TOBY
I don't like going up against you.

MANDY
Okay.

TOBY
That's you being nice?

MANDY
[steps in] I'm glad David Rosen passed on the Communications job. They couldn't have done better than you.

TOBY
[surprised] Excuse me?

MANDY
I'm saying I think you make a better Communications Director than David Rosen ever would've been. That's me being nice.

CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY – DAY

An agitated TOBY is walking with CJ.

TOBY
Remember a few months ago when I asked you if I was the President's first choice?

CJ
We're back to this?

TOBY
And you called me paranoid?

CJ
Yes.

TOBY
And a nudnik. You called me a paranoid nudnik.

CJ
Toby, for the 48th time, you are not the President's second choice.

TOBY
What about David Rosen?

CJ
What about David Rosen?

TOBY
Mandy was just in my office, and she said she was happy David Rosen passed on my job.

CJ (as CAROL walks by)
Carol, we're gonna start in a few minutes.

CAROL
Should I bring ‘em in?

CJ
Give 'em fair warning.

TOBY
David Rosen!

CJ
I don't, Toby, I know nothing about David Rosen, and I don't know where this is coming from.

TOBY
He's about to have a press conference. Help me talk to him about the gun thing. We'll just leave Hollywood for some other time.

CJ
Since when do you need help talking to the President?

TOBY
Since all of a sudden I became the kid in the class with his hand raised that nobody wants the teacher to call on.

CJ
That's silly.

TOBY
No, it is not.

CJ
Toby -

TOBY
Just help me, please.

CUT TO: EXT. WASHINGTON, DC – DAY

A shot of an office building somewhere in the city.

CUT TO: INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

JOSH is standing in the middle of the room. Bright light from outside the window surrounds him. We see that he's talking to his psychiatrist, who we'll discover is STANLEY.

JOSH
So, like I said, I, I appreciate you squeezing me in like this.

STANLEY
I was able to cancel someone when you called.

JOSH
Well, you shouldn't have, Stanley, it's not a big deal.

STANLEY
What's not a big deal?

JOSH (scoffing, chuckling)
Huh, I'm out of practice.

STANLEY
Well, that's what comes from not coming to see me for ten months.

JOSH
Well, I think the idea will make some of the people I work for nervous. [sits]

STANLEY
Why are you here now?

JOSH
Hmm. This is gonna sound silly. [beat] Uh, there's a magazine article, a - magazine article came out - and it said that several countries, some of them our enemies, have stored in freezers the smallpox virus.

STANLEY
Are you afraid you might have smallpox?

JOSH
No (chuckles) Don't laugh. [beat] I can't get Ave Maria out of my head.

STANLEY
The Schubert?

JOSH
Yeah, I swear it, I, I, I've been humming it to myself all morning. It's the strangest thing - Why do you think the Ave Maria?

STANLEY
Why do you think the Ave Maria?

JOSH
I don't know... My sister used to play it over and over in her room, but that was, I don't know how many years ago.

STANLEY
Your sister who died?

JOSH
Joanie.

STANLEY
Why did Joanie play the Ave Maria in her room?

JOSH
She liked music, she, bu,- a lot. She liked it a lot. She wanted to be an orchestra conductor. She, she’d pretend she was - conducting the music. Anyway, there's that. Plus, I have to tell you - I was a little thrown off this morning when they gave me this card. And it turns out that I was the only one who got one. I mean, of my friends. It surprised me... Joanie and Toby and CJ and Sam.

STANLEY
Joanie?

JOSH
What?

STANLEY
You named Joanie in there. You said you got some kind of card and Joanie didn't get one.

JOSH
I meant... No - 'cause we, we were just talking about Joanie.

STANLEY
What kind of card?

JOSH
It was, uh... there really are some things I'm not allowed to talk about. I, I assure you, I, I'm not withholding anything I'm supposed to be emotionally available for.

STANLEY
Okay.

JOSH
Thanks.

STANLEY
Can you talk about the card without talking about the card?

JOSH
I gotta go. [stands up]

STANLEY
Josh?

JOSH
It's really not a big deal, Stanley. I'm sorry I had you cancel an appointment.

STANLEY
But I did cancel. Why don't you take your coat off and sit down.

JOSH
It was an impulse. I, I wasted your time.

STANLEY
Josh, do you think it's strange that you've never told me how Joanie died?

JOSH
I've told you.

STANLEY
No, you haven't.

JOSH
Sure, I have.

STANLEY
No.

JOSH
It's not a big deal. [thinks it over, sits down] Uh, she, she was babysitting for me, and there was a fire.

STANLEY
How'd the fire start?

JOSH
I, I honestly,I don't remember... Something about a popcorn maker.

STANLEY
The house caught on fire?

JOSH (beat)
Yeah.

STANLEY
While your sister Joanie was babysitting for you?

JOSH
Yeah.

STANLEY
Why aren't you dead?

JOSH (beat)
I ran out of the house.

STANLEY
You were just a little boy, Josh. That's what you were supposed to do.

JOSH
[staring at nowhere] Yeah.

FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
* * *

ACT FOUR

FADE IN: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE – NIGHT

Schubert's Ave Maria is playing on a boom box. JOSH is sitting in his chair, thinking deeply. From outside, we hear CJ knocking. JOSH doesn't answer. CJ, carrying a glass of wine, opens the door and walks in.

CJ
Josh? I was knocking but you didn't answer.

JOSH
I didn't hear the door.

CJ
What are you doing?

JOSH
I think I'm ready to brief the President on the smallpox article.

CJ
Why don't you forget about that for tonight, and come have some chili? Everyone's there.

JOSH
CJ, an NSC staffer gave me a card with instructions on it for what I'm supposed to do in the event of a nuclear attack. They want me up in the plane or down in a bunker. They don't want you.(beat) Or Sam, or Toby, for that matter. I, I didn't want to be friends with you and have you not know.

CJ
Josh, have you been upset about this?

JOSH
Yes.

CJ
You're very sweet sometimes. You really are.

JOSH
CJ -

CJ
Of course they don't want me, Josh. I'm a press secretary. I don't think they're gonna be issuing a whole lot of releases. Sam and Toby are Communications and my guess is that speech writing won't be a priority, either. Come, have some fun. [starts to go to the door]

JOSH
[points at the boom box] This is a beautiful piece of music. Do you know this?

CJ
[turns back] I'm Catholic.

JOSH
Hang on. Listen. Listen. [goes to the boom box and slowly turns up the volume. A high voice in the choir sings and JOSH is moved] That right there. (pause) It's… miraculous.

CJ sips her wine, smiling as she listens.

JOSH
Schubert was crazy, you know.

CJ
Yes.

JOSH
Think you have to be crazy to create something powerful?

CJ
Josh, the Cold War is over. There's not gonna be a nuclear -

JOSH
God, CJ. It's not gonna be like that. It's not gonna be the red phone and, nuclear bombs.

CJ
What's it gonna be?

JOSH
It's gonna be this. (picking up a book) It's gonna be something like this. Smallpox has been gone for 50 years. No one has an acquired immunity. Flies through the air. You get it, you - carry a ten-foot cloud around with you. One in three people die. If 100 people in New York City got it, you'd have to encircle them with 100 million vaccinated people to contain it. Do you know how many doses of smallpox vaccines exist in the country? Seven. If 100 people in New York City get it, there's gonna be a global medical emergency that's gonna make HIV look like cold and flu season. That's how it's gonna be, a, a li-, little test tube with a, a rubber cap that's deteriorating. A guy steps out of Times Square station. Pshht… (imitates throwing something on the floor)  Smashes it on the sidewalk. There is a world war right there.

CJ (standing as the music continues)
We'll make more vaccine. [turns to the door]

JOSH
Well, you better hurry 'cause I'm the only one with one of these cards.

CJ
Come have chili. The President's asking for you.

JOSH
Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.

CJ
You really are very sweet sometimes. [exits]

JOSH stares at the door.

CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE RESIDENCE – NIGHT

We follow CJ as she walks by. White House staffers are everywhere, chatting, drinking, enjoying appetizers while waiting for the chili. We stop at BARTLET having a conversation about basketball with SAM and CHARLIE.

BARTLET
Sam, it's all about mastering the fundamentals, see? Gotta keep your hands up, your feet moving on defense. Pass and get open or find the open man, and follow his shot on offense. See, I am a master of fundamentals, and I really believe that is why my team so thoroughly dominated your team.

SAM
Yeah, it probably didn't hurt so much to have a two-time ACC Player of the Week on your team, there -

BARTLET
[walks away] Leo, kids don't understand the fundamentals.

LEO
No appreciation for the game, Mr. President.

BARTLET
Mrs. Landingham, are you drunk?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
[carrying a bottle of beer] No, sir. Now why would I -

BARTLET
I just like asking.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
You know, I should tell you -

BARTLET
Oh, give it up. Where's Zoey? [takes beer from MRS. LANDINGHAM]

MRS. LANDINGHAM
[takes back her beer] She's in the kitchen.

In the OTHER ROOM, CJ talks with TOBY, CATHY, and DONNA.

CJ
Wolves don't kill people. That's a myth.

TOBY
Where along the way did she turn into a wolf person?

CJ
More people get killed each year getting change out of vending machines than get killed by a wolf attack.

CATHY
Are you serious?

CJ
Number of people killed last year retrieving change from a vending machine: four. Number of people killed by a wolf attack: zero.

TOBY
[sees BARTLET in the other room] Excuse me. One second.

DONNA
How do people die from the vending machine?

TOBY walks away and sits down next to BARTLET in the adjoining room.

TOBY
So, I guess we haven't been getting along too well lately. Have we, sir?

BARTLET
No, I guess not.

TOBY
I've been... irritating you?

BARTLET
Yes.

TOBY
Was David Rosen your first choice for my job?

BARTLET
[looks away] Yes.

TOBY
Well, I'm glad we had this little talk, sir. (laughs) I feel a lot better. Thanks.

BARTLET
We were up all night on that one, Toby. Me and Leo and Josh. They were screaming at me, 'Governor, for God's sakes, it's gotta be Toby. It's gotta be Toby.' When I held my ground, and we went to David Rosen, and Rosen said he wanted to take a partnership at Solomon Brothers, thank God... I couldn't live without you, Toby. I mean it. I'd be in the tall grass. I'd be in the weeds... I know I disappoint you sometimes. I mean I can sense your disappointment. And I only get mad because I know you're right a lot of the times - but you are not the kid in the class with his hand up and whatever it was you said to CJ. You are a wise and brilliant man, Toby… The other night when we were playing basketball, did you mean what you said? My demons were shouting down the better angels in my brain?

TOBY
Yes, sir. I did.

BARTLET
You think that's what's stopping me from greatness?

TOBY
Yes.

BARTLET
I suppose you're right.

TOBY
Tell you what, though, sir. In a battle between a President's demons and his better angels, for the first time in a long while, I think we might just have ourselves a fair fight.

BARTLET
Thank you, Toby. [beat] Now, go away.

CUT TO: INT. RESIDENCE KITCHEN – NIGHT

BARTLET's youngest daughter, ZOEY BARTLET, is cooking chili in a big pot. Behind her, JOSH looks at the door window and sneaks in. ZOEY smiles as she realizes that JOSH came in. From behind, JOSH tries to surprise her.

JOSH
Drop the spoon!

ZOEY
I knew it was you.

JOSH (giving her a kiss on the cheek)
Mmm, you look good!

ZOEY
You look like death on a Triscuit!

JOSH
Oh, thanks very much. I'm seeing a new barber.

ZOEY
I heard you've been having a little nutty today.

JOSH
Mind your own business. [beat] What classes you taking?

ZOEY
Mind your own business.

JOSH
Okay.

CHARLIE
[enters] Excuse me.

JOSH
Charlie, you met Zoey Bartlet?

CHARLIE
No, it's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am. I'm Charlie Young.

ZOEY
Hi.

JOSH
Okay, hang on a second. Let's take it back a moment and give it another chance. This is a girl, Charlie. You don't have to call her 'ma'am.'

CHARLIE
I beg your pardon. Did I call you -

ZOEY
Zoey.

CHARLIE
I should call you Zoey?

ZOEY
[smiles] If I can call you Charlie.

CHARLIE
Yes - Um, I have a message for you from the President.

JOSH
That would be her father.

CHARLIE
You're forbidden from adding additional cumin to the chili.

ZOEY
Charlie, check the door to see if my father's nearby.

CHARLIE
Uh, ma'am, I -

JOSH
Ah, ah, ah, ah. [looks out the door]

CHARLIE
Zoey, I have certain instructions, and I do not want to get in trouble with your -

JOSH
You're fine.

ZOEY
Taste this. [offers CHARLIE a taste] Doesn't it need cumin?

CHARLIE
It needs oregano.

ZOEY
Well, let's get to work.

JOSH
See, you guys. [exits]

CUT TO: INT. RESIDENCE – NIGHT

We see CJ still talking about wolves and vending machines, this time with LEO and BARTLET.

CJ
I don't know. I mean, maybe the vending machines fall on them while they're getting their change.

BARTLET and LEO laugh.

CJ [cont.]
My, my point is, can't we build schools and protect wildlife at the same time? We must be able to do that.

LEO
Pluie really got to you, huh?

CJ
He really was very sweet, Leo.

JOSH joins in the conversation as CJ leaves.

BARTLET
Josh! We've been looking for you.

CJ
[to LEO] I'll be over there.

BARTLET
Look at this, will you?

JOSH
At what, sir?

BARTLET
I don't know why, but nothing makes me feel quite so good as the sight of colleagues enjoying each other outside work.

JOSH
So, what were you guys talking about?

BARTLET
We were talking about these women.

JOSH
Yeah?

LEO
We can't get over these women.

BARTLET
Look at CJ.

We see a glimpse of CJ laughing and talking to SAM and DONNA, while holding a Polaroid.

BARTLET [cont.]
She's like a fifties movie star. So capable, so loving and energetic.

LEO
Look at Mandy over there.

MANDY, on the other side of the room is fighting with TOBY about something.

LEO [cont.]
Going punch for punch with Toby in a world that tells women to sit down and shut up. Mandy's already won her battle with the President. The game's over, but she's not done. She wants Toby.

BARTLET
Mrs. Landingham.

MRS. LANDINGHAM is having fun while talking to some staffers.

BARTLET [cont.]
Did you guys know she lost two sons in Vietnam? What would make her want to serve her country is beyond me, but in 14 years, she's not missed a day's work, not one. [beat] There's Cathy, Donna, and Margaret.

JOSH
Mr. President, there's something that's been bothering me for most of the day, and while I know this is an inappropriate time -

LEO
No, what's on your mind, Josh?

JOSH
I serve at the pleasure of the President, and it's a great privilege that I will never forget. [takes out the card from his wallet. He shows it to LEO and BARTLET.] I can't keep this. I think it's a white flag of surrender. I want to be a comfort to my friends in tragedy. And I want to be able to celebrate with them in triumph. And for all the times in between, I just want to be able to look ‘em in the eye. Leo, it's not for me. I want to be with my friends, my family, and these women.

BARTLET pats JOSH on the back. From the other side, we see ZOEY and CHARLIE come in the room. CHARLIE signals to BARTLET that the chili is done. BARTLET starts to silence the room.

BARTLET
Uh, excuse me! Thank you. Uh, friends, please... Well, the chili's ready and I hope you all enjoy it. In fact, since I told you you would enjoy it, I'm reasonably certain that you will.

Laughter.

BARTLET [cont.]
You know, of course, the First Lady's in Pakistan. [starts to walk around the room] I'm not entirely sure why, but I have learned it's a pretty good idea not to ask my wife too many questions as it seldom leads to anything but further confusion. I miss her very much, but I'm delighted our beautiful daughter, Zoey, is here. You know, she's starting Georgetown in the spring.

Everyone claps their hands for ZOEY.

BARTLET [cont.]
This, prior to medical school and a life of celibacy.

JOSH (as the group laughs again)
Yeah, right!

BARTLET
It's an incredible adventure you're starting on, sweetheart. An amazing four years full of people and experiences you haven't yet dreamed of. And if you will allow me just one minute of business, please. I hope that by the time we're done with our four years here, we'll have seen to it that every young person who chooses can go to college and beyond, regardless of their economic status.

Applause.

BARTLET [cont.]
I understand that today was another one of Leo's 'big block of cheese' days! (‘whoo’ing from the group) You all start out so cynical, but it never fails. By the end of the day, there's always one or two converts, right? And today was no exception. CJ Cregg is gonna be up all night writing a position paper for the Interior Department on the necessity of wildlife protection. [CJ laughs.] CJ, I don't mind the cost of this wolves-only highway. It's the segregation. The ACLU is gonna file a petition on behalf of some reindeer and then we're all screwed.

Everyone laughs.

BARTLET [cont.]
Sam Seaborn had a guy who spotted a UFO today, am I right? Sam laughed him out of his office, but you've been thinking about it ever since. But you can rest assured, Sam. It was not a spaceship from another planet, just another time. A long-since abandoned Soviet satellite, one of its booster rockets didn't fire and it couldn't escape earth's orbit--a sad reminder of a time when two powerful nations challenged each other and then boldly raced into outer space. [beat] What will be the next thing that challenges us, Toby? [looks at TOBY] That makes us go farther and work harder? You know, that when smallpox was eradicated, it was considered the single greatest humanitarian achievement of this century. Surely, we can do it again. As we did in the time when our eyes looked towards the heavens, and with outstretched fingers, we touched the face of God. [beat] Here's to absent friends, and the ones that are here now. [holds up his glass of wine]

STAFF
Cheers!

Everyone in the room hold up their glasses in unison.

DISSOLVE TO: END CREDITS.
FADE TO BLACK.

THE END
* * *


The West Wing and all its characters are properties of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Productions, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended.

Episode 1x5 - The Crackpots and These Women
Original Airdate: October 20, 1999, 9:00 EST

Transcript by: giorgio
July 2, 2000